RSS

Category Archives: Communication

Long time coming.

The past two months have been a bit of a rollercoaster, both physically and emotionally. Since early May, I stopped training with my cousin and also haven’t been eating all too well, I’ve received news that I still have a material hormonal imbalance, I flew (for the first time in five years) to Vegas for a Bachelorette party, started playing softball again, got into a verbal argument at a volleyball match, I had a few rounds of physical anxiety, my boss had a baby, I took over the day-to-day trading operations at my firm, started stress eating, and most recently (between yesterday and today) my family has had issues with our next-door neighbors. It is a lot of stuff, I will try to make it all make sense.

Since January I trained with my cousin, who is a certified personal trainer. We stopped, temporarily, training in May because he was going on a trip and then that eventually became permanent because my work schedule became completely erratic and I couldn’t commit to specific times. As of result of not having my cousin and his sessions to motivate me and my new work schedule, I’ve fallen off the wagon a little bit. I did however join a new gym and have at least been going once per week. I went today and I’m hoping to go more this week, but I haven’t been that great at being consistent. My diet has been pretty crappy as well as I’m basically stress eating at work, which I will explain later. Hopefully this is my week though, I need to get into a groove.

Midway through May I got the results back from a saliva test that I performed over the course of the month of April. The results were packaged and sent out to a lab in Washington State and my naturopathic doctor received the results. She called me up in the middle of the month and we scheduled an appointment. At that visit, she told me that I still have a progesterone shortage, otherwise known as estrogen dominance. I’ve been off of the pill for almost fifteen months now and I have gotten a lot better. My estrogen levels have normalized now, but my body has not been able to raise my progesterone levels naturally, which has thrown off my periods, caused PMS, and I also have been told that at my current level, I’d have a hard time conceiving a child and if I did conceive, I’d have a hard time carrying the pregnancy to term. Needless to say, I was speechless. I thought that my body has had enough time to heal on its own and regulate my hormones once more. However, that’s clearly not the case and not only that, but now I’m facing potential fertility issues. The good part is that I’m on a progesterone supplement program for the entire summer and hopefully that will help to raise my level.

In a short note, I went out to Las Vegas for a friend’s bachelorette party. This was a huge deal for me as I have not been on a plane in five years and more importantly than that, I wasn’t sure as to how I’d react to flying with my anxiety. I will admit that I took a 0.25 mg Xanax during takeoff on the flight there and home, but beyond that it was fine and I actually enjoyed myself on the airplanes. It sounds silly, but this was a big accomplishment for me.

At the beginning of June, softball started and I’m on a new team. All of the ladies are fantastic and I’m having a lot of fun. I still play volleyball as well but it hasn’t been all fun and games recently. I play on a co-ed team and there is one man on my team who is constantly trying to move me around and control my play simply because I’m female. Well eventually I became fed up with him and at a game a few weeks ago I called him out. He claimed that he was trying to help the team out and even tried to guilt me by saying that he respects women and his mother is dead. Really? I’m sorry your mother is dead but I don’t think that she has anything to do with volleyball. Case closed. We recently played together this past Thursday actually and barely spoke to each other, but that’s OK. We played well together on the court and that’s all that matters.

In the middle of June, I had major anxiety. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of the Xanax in my system, stress from work, or both. I’m thinking that it was a combination of both. I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack, thank God, but still, I did feel defeated that I reacted so badly to my thoughts.

Literally a few days after my mini-breakdown my boss gave birth to her son, which then put me in charge of the daily trading operations at my firm. Needless to say I was nervous then and I’m still a little nervous now. I’m two weeks into this experience and it’s been quite eye-opening. I’ve been able to prove to myself that I’m able to handle this job and it has also helped to spark a fire in me and reignite my interest in the stock market and finance in general. However with all of that positivity, I have started to stress eat. I visit the snack closet multiple times a day to help calm myself down when I get nervous at work. This is a terrible way to relieve stress and this week  is the week where I hope to stop this phenomenon.

Last but not least, the issues with the next door neighbors. They had an early Fourth of July party yesterday and didn’t invite my parents. It really hurt my mom’s feelings and made my dad angry. As a result, it made me livid. But on top of that, I felt physical symptoms of anger and anxiety. When I saw my neighbors, I felt my chest tighten and felt pain in my head. I wanted to go over there and start screaming at them. I felt awful for my parents. I always tried to be the bigger person and continue to say hi to them even though they have basically phased my parents out of the neighborhood social circle over the years. I never wanted to be the person who just straight up ignores people but at this point I feel as though it’d be best for my health and psyche to just ignore these people. I have slowly removed myself from them as I have unfriended them on Facebook (which I’m still trying to get rid of) and have limited my communication to just the next-door neighbors but now I’ve really had enough. I really can’t afford the stress anymore and this weekend was the last straw for me.

So that has been my last two months. Lots of good, productive things and a few bumps along the way. My focus right now is to continue healing and working on my health in addition to participating in activities that I like with people who like and respect me. One thing that I’ve learned in the past two months is that I cannot hide my feelings (like being nervous about work or mad at a teammate or neighbor). I have to feel what I feel, take the appropriate action(s), and move on.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An update

I’ve been MIA with this blog and 6 in Six as of late. It’s really not that I haven’t had the time. The problem was that during my free time I was so exhausted that I became utterly lazy and didn’t have the energy to do something productive… a la blog.

I’m hoping to write an entry regarding the importance of rest in my life and I’d assume everyones lives very soon.

I have a lot to catch up on. Lots of thoughts to remember and jot down.

One such thought hit me today. That is speaking up for yourself and I mean really doing it. Today at work several superiors needed a task done and kept assuming that everyone else besides me knew how to perform it. They asked around and the people whom they thought (the people who make six figures by the way) knew what to do didn’t and I just laughed quietly to myself, knowing the procedure. Finally, the work trickled down to me and I belted out with a laugh, “it took you guys 5 people to finally reach me?” My boss laughed and shook her head, knowing that I was right. I felt really good making my comment because it wasn’t out of line, it was the truth. I can’t be afraid to stand up for myself if I have the facts to back it up.

Even tonight at volleyball, one of my teammates tends to bully me and now our new female player into the background of plays, etc. Well tonight after weeks of dealing with his crap I had enough and stuck up for not only myself, but my new teammate. It felt liberating; I didn’t drive home wondering what I did wrong or mad at myself because I knew I was right. I finally took action and did what I needed to do. It felt awesome.

So that’s what I’m going to strive for going forward; being honest and frank about my feelings.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 1, 2012 in Communication

 

Tags:

Hurting someone I love.

Apparently I’m growing up. I’m coming to grips with the fact that my parents and family members are the “be all, end all”. All of a sudden. Now. At 26… shouldn’t this have happened years ago? I went away to college and I was fine. I was independent and did what I wanted to regardless of what anyone thought of it. When I moved back home after school, I was still ‘Ms. Independent’ until 2010 when I had my hormonal imbalance. I’ve since recovered, almost fully mentally and 100% physically. Mentally I still have minor issues, almost like anticipatory issues because I’m kind of scarred from months of having random panic attacks and severe depression. I’m currently on defensive trying to prevent any and all awkward or adverse situations.

The problem now is that I’m having a hard time with trying to please everyone in my life, especially my family. I don’t even know what their preferences/standards are but I’ve had this bad habit as of late to over think and assume these standards and then impose them on the one person who I love and spend a lot of time with; my boyfriend. Together he and I have been spending more time with my cousins. All seems to be going well, then we get home and I proceed to nitpick his “performance” if you will. It’s a terrible thing to do, but in my head it seems as though I have to make sure that my family likes him (we’ve been dating for over four years mind you) and he likes them. My ill-fated efforts always result in a huge fight and this has happened after every meeting with my cousins.

This people pleasing problem stems from when we first started dating and my parents critically judged my boyfriend right off the bat. That first year of dating I was so confident in myself and my decisions that I wasn’t phased by their opinions. Now things are different; my parents have verbalized how they think my boyfriend is a real man and how he is a good guy. Yet, that doesn’t seem to get absorbed in my brain and I get neurotic whenever we all get together hoping to prevent whatever imaginary fallout I see coming in my head.

After another similar incident this past weekend, my boyfriend and I spoke about my actions. I apologized because I know that what I’m doing is wrong. A lot of it has to do with deep seeded issues stemming from not only the beginning of our relationship but apparently my childhood as well.

This is my journal for my upcoming therapy session this week… I think I need to start having more sessions.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 10, 2012 in Communication, Family

 

Tags: , ,

A Break.

I am off from work both today and tomorrow, therefore I have a four-day weekend. It’s much-needed especially after last week’s fiasco at work. I was the calmest today than I’ve been in months. It’s amazing how much stress and anxiety my job causes me. I didn’t feel the slightest bit of angst today, even though I basically ran around like a mad woman.

My boss tried to “make amends” (sort of) last Friday. She was obviously sheepish about what went down and barely made eye contact with me. She went on to explain how she was flustered and just wants things to go smoothly next time. Next time? I hope to God that there’s not a next time. Unless I get a new job within the next month or so there will probably be a next time. And if this happens again, I now know how I’m going to handle the situation. I am going to walk out of the office for a few minutes, compose myself, and then I’m getting my stuff and leaving for the day. Sitting around in my cube all day stewing was exhausting and made me physically ill.

Oddly enough I had a therapy appointment (I still go once per month just to keep myself in check, I haven’t had a panic attack since last summer) last Thursday night. I explained exactly what happened at work to the doctor and he told me that I was psychologically abused by my bosses and that a lot of what I experience at work is abuse. I was confused by that statement basically because I associate “abuse” with physicality. I also am conflicted as to whether or not that’s an overdramatized explanation of my bosses’ behaviors. I certainly identify their actions as being wrong and unwarranted, but I would really hate to say that it’s abuse considering that I know people who’ve gone through way worse than this at work. Either way, it felt great to get this off my chest with my doctor and just get his insights on the situation. I told him about my plans to leave this job and possibly move onto a brand new career; he agreed with my ideas and encouraged me to pursue them, which I found to be comforting.

Through these events, I’ve found my truth; I’ve figured out the right decision for me and my career. I can’t waste my time and my life with people who are simply bad people. I can’t stay at a place that doesn’t give two cents about me or my growth. I need to continue to work hard and be employed, making a living. But that doesn’t mean that I have to sit back and take crap from people as they dangle money in my face. There are other jobs out there; whether or not they’re in investments or a totally different venture, I will find a new job, a better job. One that allows me to grow and prosper both professionally and as a person. That’s my goal for 2012. This is my new focus and I will do my best to get there.

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it’s not that obvious; in this case it didn’t hit me until I got home from work the day of the incident. Regardless of when you figure out what’s in front of you and find that glimmer of positivity, once you find it, you’re golden.

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Finally thinking outside the box.

I finally found a wonderful job that I believe I can excel in. The best part is that it has almost nothing to do with finance (minus payroll/budgeting) and everything to do with college kids and athletics/fitness.

I went to the human resources department website for my alma mater, where I received my MBA, to look for a job. I found an assistant marketing director job that deals with the school’s fitness and recreation programs. It requires thinking about new programs and events for the campus recreation center, in addition to some administration work, which would be great. I’ve really wanted to take on a leadership role, that’s always been a goal of mine.

I love sports and have recently gotten into diet and fitness more so now than I have my entire life. What a perfect opportunity for me.

I mentioned it to my parents, who are skeptical but happy that I found a particular direction that I might want to head towards professionally.

I’m confident that I can do this job. I spent an hour Sunday night writing a cover letter and adjusting my resume. I sent it electronically and got an e-mail receipt yesterday. Last night I mailed out a hard copy of both documents.

Wish me luck!

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I am the walrus… or the honey badger.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a day… in my head. I’m starting the symptoms of PMS as it’s that time of the month and this morning/early afternoon I was ready to “smack the shit” (a la the honey badger) out of someone. Well, not really smack someone, but I was really angry, particularly at some of my friends.

I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown up, friends come and go in life, that’s a given. But sometimes they go for really stupid reasons. Case in point – my oldest friend (we’ve known each other for 21 years) was supposed to come out on Saturday night with the rest of our group of women. It took us literally a month to figure out and decide upon a day and as of yesterday everyone was in. Today my friend told me that she can’t go because she’s going to hangout with her husband’s friends. She made up an excuse about her work schedule, but I know she made a last-minute decision. Even if she picked her husband’s friends over us, I wish that she could be honest. What’s worse is that I cut out another friend (see in this post) for ditching me completely for her boyfriend and his friends. As guilty as I feel, I cannot get rid of my oldest friend because well, I’ve known her forever, I do love her, and we’ve shared a lot in our time as friends – the other friend just did this constantly, plus we were never terribly close.

It just bothers me the most when people aren’t honest about things – it REALLY bothered me this morning. But this afternoon, my thoughts changed – sometimes I don’t hold myself to the same standard of honesty, so how can I blame my friend for lying? Ah, the joys of PMS.

I just feel kind of funky today. It’s rainy here in NJ plus PMS always makes me a moody. The ups and downs of my thoughts are unreal – if I would have written this post this morning it would’ve been a shitshow (for lack of a better, less crude term – apologies). I would’ve gone overboard talking about how my friends don’t care about me, etc and talking about how I mad I am. Now that I’m calmer, I can think a little clearly and try to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I would just prefer to even out… a girl can dream.

Beyond that, my routine’s have been becoming more consistent. Of course they’re still imperfect (very imperfect), but I’m noticing an increase in the amount of times that I follow through with things and that’s a good sign.

I’m always going to be a work-in-progress.

 

Tags: , , , ,

Stuck at a crossroads.

I feel as though I’ve been stuck in the mud; spinning my wheels, trying to get out of a ditch with no luck. I hate complaining about it because I think back to when I was so depressed that I didn’t see the point in living this life anymore.

I’m not depressed now, I know that, but I feel somewhat indifferent, especially in the past few days and I’m not sure what’s worse. It seems as though I’m just going through the motions with no specific goal or purpose. Sure I have things that I’m working towards such as changing my body and the way that I take care of it, thinking of possibly getting my personal training certificate, and so on.

But on the other side of that, I’m not thrilled with my everyday life, especially my professional life. I used to be proud and happy to be working in my industry (and I’ve been in the investments industry for about six years now), but things have changed and I’ve seen the darker side of it – through the way the economy has blown up in the past few years in addition to things that have happened during my tenure at my current job (which I’ve had for four years already). I’ve never been this unhappy with it.

I wonder if it’s really my circumstances or my attitude. I’m really leaning toward this being an attitude problem. I’ve been in plenty of situations in my twnety six years of exsistence on this planet where they weren’t pretty, but I was able to put it all aside and enjoy life. I just haven’t been able to do this since 2010. As of right now, I have a bad attitude and that’s pretty clear. Certain members of my family and a few friends have taken notice of it and that kills me, because that’s not me. I’m usually pretty easy going, happy but it’s been hard to get to that point again. I don’t want to push people away because I’m so negative. I need to make a change.

I have to do a total attitude overhaul. My problem right now is that I’m going through a transitional point in my life. I’m thinking that I’ll probably move out of my parents house next year, my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years already (but there’s no timetable for marriage), and I have no idea as to what I want to do with my life. For whatever reason these and other potential events/ideas have been driving me up a wall. I feel as though I haven’t done enough and that I’m not where I should be professionally, socially, etc. It’s a strange feeling, I’ve never felt such pressure before in my life.

But instead of dealing with my feelings and just being happy for what I have and all that I’ve accomplished, I don’t take good care of myself, plus I harbor negativity and it sometimes comes out when I’m dealing with others at home, work, or in a social setting. I have a loving family and boyfriend, I have a handful of loyal, good friends, I have my MBA, and I have a good paying, stable job (not interested in the job function though). Yet it seems as though for now, it’s not enough and I’m not sure why. I sound like a spoiled brat and honestly, I feel as though that’s how I’ve been acting recently and I’m thoroughly disappointed with myself.

All I’ve been saying is that “I’m going to change, I’m going to change”, but I haven’t. I’m still wakling around with this chip on my shoulder at work, I’m complaining constantly to my family and friends, and I’m just not at peace. It’s a rough position to be in and at the end of the day, it’s 100% my fault.

So where do I go from here? For one thing, I feel like I have to be honest going forward. Perhaps that’s the first step. Limiting my time of Facebook was a good starting point for that; I had to admit to myself that as much as I “didn’t care” about what I was reading, I actually did care… a lot, too much even. With that said, I actually went on the website more than once this weekend. I did a lot of cleaning up on there, I unsubscribed to most of my friends’ posts, I subscribed to some great female fitness professionals to catch some of their articles and I even went a step further. I’m not sure if I’m going to delete the account or not, but for now, I’m just glad that it’s less toxic for me now. One interesting point that came from Friday’s “cleanse” is that I unfriended someone who’ve I’ve been relatively close to in recent years. I’ve had this friend, who hasn’t really treated me like a good friend would. She’s been dating this guy and has completely ignored me unless he’s not around. She’s been pissing me off for some time, yet I’ve been too afraid to cut her out of my life because I’m just generally afraid to lose friends. On Friday though, I decided to cut her, electronically speaking. Granted, that’s not enough and eventually I’ll have to say something to her in real life, but for me that was huge. I “unfriended” her because I couldn’t stand to read her posts that bragged about her awesome life that she so happily kept me out of for no reason. I had have enough and finally did what I should’ve done a long time ago.

There are a few things that need to be changed in my life right now. First and foremost I need to be honest about how I’ve been living. I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking great care of myself. It’s been nothing insanely bad, as in I don’t smoke or do drugs. I’m not much of a drinker either. But in terms of diet and exercise, I’m doing better, but I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself when my consistency comes into question. In addition, I don’t take good care of my appearance. I have to do my skin care regiment every day, not once every few days. I need to wash and take care of my hair more, even though it’s a pain because it’s so thick and frizzy. I need to portray a better appearance every day and take care of myself. Perhaps put on a little bit of makeup for work. Wear some more jewelry. Make sure that my clothes are ironed and not all wrinkled. I think me letting go of my appearance reflects a bigger problem and that’s my attitude and indifference towards life right now.

Another thing that needs to be addressed in my life is the “relationship garbage”. What I mean by that is all of the gossiping and poor treatment given to me and given by me. I’m not a saint. I’ve said and done some not-so-nice things and I know this. I need to change the way that I treat other people; instead of talking behind someone’s back, I need to talk and address my concerns directly to them. I also need to stop critizing and judging others’ actions and beliefs. People are going to do what they want to do and I am no one to judge.

In terms of the treatment that I receive, I need to stop lying to myself and let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart. I tend to keep people around because for whatever reason my brain associates “a healthy social life” with a larger quantity of friends rather than having quality friends. This is wrong and I know it but my thinking has clearly been so off that I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised that I’ve kept people in my life who only use me for favors, but when I need them they’re nowhere to be found. This needs to stop and I need to tell these people exactly how I feel instead of ignoring the problem and letting it fester in my head.

As you can see, I’m at a point in my life where things need to change. I can’t let this go on any longer. I can’t keep making excuses for not changing my every day life, not changing my thoughts, for not even trying. It’s been too long and I am tired of feeling so indifferent and negative, depending on the day.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is truly a new day and I’m not just bullshitting.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 12, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Communication, Life's Goals

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,