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Long time coming.

The past two months have been a bit of a rollercoaster, both physically and emotionally. Since early May, I stopped training with my cousin and also haven’t been eating all too well, I’ve received news that I still have a material hormonal imbalance, I flew (for the first time in five years) to Vegas for a Bachelorette party, started playing softball again, got into a verbal argument at a volleyball match, I had a few rounds of physical anxiety, my boss had a baby, I took over the day-to-day trading operations at my firm, started stress eating, and most recently (between yesterday and today) my family has had issues with our next-door neighbors. It is a lot of stuff, I will try to make it all make sense.

Since January I trained with my cousin, who is a certified personal trainer. We stopped, temporarily, training in May because he was going on a trip and then that eventually became permanent because my work schedule became completely erratic and I couldn’t commit to specific times. As of result of not having my cousin and his sessions to motivate me and my new work schedule, I’ve fallen off the wagon a little bit. I did however join a new gym and have at least been going once per week. I went today and I’m hoping to go more this week, but I haven’t been that great at being consistent. My diet has been pretty crappy as well as I’m basically stress eating at work, which I will explain later. Hopefully this is my week though, I need to get into a groove.

Midway through May I got the results back from a saliva test that I performed over the course of the month of April. The results were packaged and sent out to a lab in Washington State and my naturopathic doctor received the results. She called me up in the middle of the month and we scheduled an appointment. At that visit, she told me that I still have a progesterone shortage, otherwise known as estrogen dominance. I’ve been off of the pill for almost fifteen months now and I have gotten a lot better. My estrogen levels have normalized now, but my body has not been able to raise my progesterone levels naturally, which has thrown off my periods, caused PMS, and I also have been told that at my current level, I’d have a hard time conceiving a child and if I did conceive, I’d have a hard time carrying the pregnancy to term. Needless to say, I was speechless. I thought that my body has had enough time to heal on its own and regulate my hormones once more. However, that’s clearly not the case and not only that, but now I’m facing potential fertility issues. The good part is that I’m on a progesterone supplement program for the entire summer and hopefully that will help to raise my level.

In a short note, I went out to Las Vegas for a friend’s bachelorette party. This was a huge deal for me as I have not been on a plane in five years and more importantly than that, I wasn’t sure as to how I’d react to flying with my anxiety. I will admit that I took a 0.25 mg Xanax during takeoff on the flight there and home, but beyond that it was fine and I actually enjoyed myself on the airplanes. It sounds silly, but this was a big accomplishment for me.

At the beginning of June, softball started and I’m on a new team. All of the ladies are fantastic and I’m having a lot of fun. I still play volleyball as well but it hasn’t been all fun and games recently. I play on a co-ed team and there is one man on my team who is constantly trying to move me around and control my play simply because I’m female. Well eventually I became fed up with him and at a game a few weeks ago I called him out. He claimed that he was trying to help the team out and even tried to guilt me by saying that he respects women and his mother is dead. Really? I’m sorry your mother is dead but I don’t think that she has anything to do with volleyball. Case closed. We recently played together this past Thursday actually and barely spoke to each other, but that’s OK. We played well together on the court and that’s all that matters.

In the middle of June, I had major anxiety. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of the Xanax in my system, stress from work, or both. I’m thinking that it was a combination of both. I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack, thank God, but still, I did feel defeated that I reacted so badly to my thoughts.

Literally a few days after my mini-breakdown my boss gave birth to her son, which then put me in charge of the daily trading operations at my firm. Needless to say I was nervous then and I’m still a little nervous now. I’m two weeks into this experience and it’s been quite eye-opening. I’ve been able to prove to myself that I’m able to handle this job and it has also helped to spark a fire in me and reignite my interest in the stock market and finance in general. However with all of that positivity, I have started to stress eat. I visit the snack closet multiple times a day to help calm myself down when I get nervous at work. This is a terrible way to relieve stress and this week  is the week where I hope to stop this phenomenon.

Last but not least, the issues with the next door neighbors. They had an early Fourth of July party yesterday and didn’t invite my parents. It really hurt my mom’s feelings and made my dad angry. As a result, it made me livid. But on top of that, I felt physical symptoms of anger and anxiety. When I saw my neighbors, I felt my chest tighten and felt pain in my head. I wanted to go over there and start screaming at them. I felt awful for my parents. I always tried to be the bigger person and continue to say hi to them even though they have basically phased my parents out of the neighborhood social circle over the years. I never wanted to be the person who just straight up ignores people but at this point I feel as though it’d be best for my health and psyche to just ignore these people. I have slowly removed myself from them as I have unfriended them on Facebook (which I’m still trying to get rid of) and have limited my communication to just the next-door neighbors but now I’ve really had enough. I really can’t afford the stress anymore and this weekend was the last straw for me.

So that has been my last two months. Lots of good, productive things and a few bumps along the way. My focus right now is to continue healing and working on my health in addition to participating in activities that I like with people who like and respect me. One thing that I’ve learned in the past two months is that I cannot hide my feelings (like being nervous about work or mad at a teammate or neighbor). I have to feel what I feel, take the appropriate action(s), and move on.

 

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Doing for myself.

Tonight I had an appointment with a job recruiter in the city scheduled for 7pm. I cancelled it, mainly because I’ve been a bit busy in the last few days and I really have no desire to trek into New York City after work. It was to discuss some potential opportunities because I’ve finally decided that if a good position comes along, I’m going for it. Done and done. I can’t feel guilty for wanting to live my life anymore. Even though I’ve been preoccupied as of recently (mainly preoccupation of my own doing), I have finally allowed myself to think about my feelings. My honest to God feelings about where I am and where I’m headed in life.

In terms of where I am, I’m frustrated. I hate my job; I feel underutilized and completely demoralized in this position, which I’ve spoken about on this blog for a while now. I’ve always known this and yet I’ve been suppressing my feelings. I was so blinded by my raise in December and then I had the knowledge of my boss’ pregnancy. With all of that said, I thought that I could stay in this job for another year so that I would “do the right thing” and see her pregnancy out. To make sure that she is comfortable knowing that I can handle her job while she’s out and have one thing less to stress about.

I was told when I got my raise that my job was going to change and that I’d get more responsiblity. I believed that my employer was finally going to do right by me and teach me, help me grow, and look out for my best interests. As I’ve written in previous posts, I’ve had two separate discussions with my boss about how this new and improved outlook on my job never came to fruition; how it’s been month since my review in December and nothing has changed. Instead of receiving this in a constructive way, my boss decided to tell me why I am wrong and need to accept the job as is. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with me and these issues haven’t stopped since then.

I had an issue with my boss two days ago. I work as a trader, yet I don’t have live feeds to the markets (i.e. platform such as Bloomberg financial). Since my boss is leaving for maternity leave and I have to handle all of the trading for our company, I suggested to her that I have a live feed on my computer. Eager enough, my boss agreed and had a conversation with her boss this past Monday. According to her boss, my getting a live feed “isn’t worth it” and I should just get my boss’ ID transferred to my computer until she starts working from home. Eventually a lightbulb went off in my boss’ head when she realized that she basically made it sound like I wasn’t worth it. She followed up telling me about how expensive IDs are and have one of the upper management members was thinking of getting rid of his (which was a lie). This made me ask a plethora of questions to myself such as: Why isn’t it worth it? How much work is my boss really going to be doing at home with a newborn? What if it can’t be transferred, how will I trade? Following these questions, I came to several conclusions. I don’t feel comfortable working in this environment and I know that if I screw up, they will be on my ass in a second flat. This company doesn’t care about my growth or well-being. I’m not worth a damn thing to them and at the end of the day, if they had to fire me, they’d do it without a second thought.

Yet here I am. Sitting in a cube day in, day out. Being a good worker, waiting for this pregnancy and maternity leave to end because I want to help out. I looked at my boss’ pregnancy in a personal way, with a woman’s perspective, understanding that motherhood and pregnancy are strenuous times in a woman’s life. For whatever reason I wanted to make it as easy for her on my end as I could. Maybe subconsciously I thought that by doing this, I’d be taken care of too in return by the company. On a basic level though, I believed that it was common decency.

But why did I care so much? I’ve been with this company for almost four years and I’ve basically been looked at like a benefit for my boss’ life the entire time. Not as an employee who is smart and can contribute to the greater good of the company. Nothing good besides getting a paycheck has come out of working here, yet something came over me in the beginning of this year that made me believe that things will change.

Truth is, things aren’t going to change.

After much thought though, I finally feel comfortable with the fact that I may have to leave this company high and dry if the right job comes along. I didn’t feel like this until now. I was scared of how people would judge me if I just got up and left them in a situation without a competent trader. But I can’t worry about that. There is no loyalty on their end and my run of loyalty to them has officially burned out. No one will take care of me but me.

 

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President’s day off.

This is my first day off from work (besides weekends of course) in a while. It’s much-needed as my boss and I have been at odds over the quality of my work and my future at the company.

About two weeks ago on a Friday I asked my boss if I could speak to her privately. She agreed to meet with me in her office in a closed-door meeting. Basically I spilled my guts to her, in a respectful manner, about how I’m feeling about my role at the firm. I explained how I feel as though I get all of the grunt work (I do a lot of data entry that is for the most part pointless) and how I feel that I don’t use my brain. I also told her how I feel disrespected by many of the managers and I feel as though they don’t trust me, regardless of my good track record.

Her response wasn’t all that great as she basically admitted to me that my job here will always require data entry and may change over time if the firm changes its strategy. She also tried to trap me – she asked me what position I would rather work in. I answered that question with an ambiguous answer about how I’d want a position with real responsibility and thought-provoking work. She replied saying that it sounds like I don’t know what I want to do with my life and that I should like my job – a lame attempt at reverse psychology as she’s not professional and beyond investing, she’s not bright. Knowing her, she probably went back to her boss and told him a twisted version of what I said and at this point, I don’t even care.

Monday rolled around and she told everyone that she’s pregnant. She didn’t even tell me to my face; she sent a group e-mail to me and a few of my coworkers. Again, professionalism at its best from her, as always.

Tuesday comes and she asks to speak with me. I get into her office and she says that now she wants to tell me what’s on her mind. She tells me that she thinks that I’m unhappy at the firm to which I bluntly replied with “yes I am.” Then she goes on to tell me that she was worried about our conversation from Friday all weekend. She said that she wants me to be happy and that she wants me to be “here for years.” Little does she know that I’m not buying her act; she was worried all weekend because she needs me to stay in order to cover for her while she’s on maternity leave. It’s all so transparent, but she thinks that I’m gullible.

Because I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll stay until her baby is born (only because I feel it’s the right thing to do), I have to deal with this position for the next six months. I need to change my attitude and not take this seriously. I need to look at it as a temporary situation and prep my resume and gather my contacts up for a job search towards the end of August.

As far as my boss goes, I’m giving the honesty and forthcoming talks a break. Things aren’t going to change here and I rather leave on my own accord rather than get fired.

I’m just counting down the days at this point.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Job Search, Uncategorized

 

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Ways to find happiness within your life. A great post!

Daily Health Boost

Today’s Inspiration: Thewellnesswarrior.com.au

“I love this article so much! It is from one of my favorite websites by the wellness warrior; Jess. She is a huge inspiration for living a healthy and happy life. Since she was diagnosed with cancer she turned her life around and started living a very clean and healthy life where she takes the best care of herself as she can. On this journey she created a website to involve and inspire others. I think this article is pretty spot-on!”
~Sophie

LOOKING FOR HAPPINESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Happiness comes from within
Why is it that it takes something as dramatic as a cancer diagnosis to wake you up to the way you should be living your life? One wasn’t even enough for me. I needed to be hit with the C-bomb twice in order to get the universe’s message that I was looking at life all wrong.

We…

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Posted by on February 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Probably the best description of Facebook and all things related that I’ve read so far.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

A new year, a new me? resolutions and reality.

Today is New Year’s Eve and I’ve thought about resolutions. Resolutions seem like a great idea, every year. But this year I’m trying to take a new approach. Instead of resolutions, I just need learn to take care of myself and not got frustrated if I miss a day at the gym or if I miss a day of my skin regiment. I need to relax and stop trying to be so stringent on myself. I hope to go out more with my boyfriend, family, and friends. Do more activities, take more trips (long and short). I just want to live in the present from now on, but I know myself, I won’t do that all the time. But I certainly want to try at least! The reality is that I’m human and I’m not perfect. To try to stick to a strict regiment isn’t going to work; life happens and it could throw off your schedule on any given day.

In terms of my health, I know that I use this blog to go over birth control and the anxiety and depression that I had, but I want to at least try to not talk about that so much and just focus on my feelings each day that I write. If I’m feeling anxiety on a day, so be it – it’s therapeutic for me to blog about it, but I have to focus on the present and find solutions to anxiety; how I would help myself through anxiety or irrational thoughts at that particular moment.

In terms of Facebook, I need to cut back (AGAIN!) because I spend way too much time on it (I fell into the trap). I have a few interest groups that I “like” and follow, but beyond that, the rest of the site is just garbage. Many of my Facebook friends fall into one or more of these categories and it’s getting annoying: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201112/the-facebook-fix

I’m just hoping to improve upon things in the new year and continue to learn and grow.

Happy and Healthy New Year to you and yours!

 

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