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Long time coming.

The past two months have been a bit of a rollercoaster, both physically and emotionally. Since early May, I stopped training with my cousin and also haven’t been eating all too well, I’ve received news that I still have a material hormonal imbalance, I flew (for the first time in five years) to Vegas for a Bachelorette party, started playing softball again, got into a verbal argument at a volleyball match, I had a few rounds of physical anxiety, my boss had a baby, I took over the day-to-day trading operations at my firm, started stress eating, and most recently (between yesterday and today) my family has had issues with our next-door neighbors. It is a lot of stuff, I will try to make it all make sense.

Since January I trained with my cousin, who is a certified personal trainer. We stopped, temporarily, training in May because he was going on a trip and then that eventually became permanent because my work schedule became completely erratic and I couldn’t commit to specific times. As of result of not having my cousin and his sessions to motivate me and my new work schedule, I’ve fallen off the wagon a little bit. I did however join a new gym and have at least been going once per week. I went today and I’m hoping to go more this week, but I haven’t been that great at being consistent. My diet has been pretty crappy as well as I’m basically stress eating at work, which I will explain later. Hopefully this is my week though, I need to get into a groove.

Midway through May I got the results back from a saliva test that I performed over the course of the month of April. The results were packaged and sent out to a lab in Washington State and my naturopathic doctor received the results. She called me up in the middle of the month and we scheduled an appointment. At that visit, she told me that I still have a progesterone shortage, otherwise known as estrogen dominance. I’ve been off of the pill for almost fifteen months now and I have gotten a lot better. My estrogen levels have normalized now, but my body has not been able to raise my progesterone levels naturally, which has thrown off my periods, caused PMS, and I also have been told that at my current level, I’d have a hard time conceiving a child and if I did conceive, I’d have a hard time carrying the pregnancy to term. Needless to say, I was speechless. I thought that my body has had enough time to heal on its own and regulate my hormones once more. However, that’s clearly not the case and not only that, but now I’m facing potential fertility issues. The good part is that I’m on a progesterone supplement program for the entire summer and hopefully that will help to raise my level.

In a short note, I went out to Las Vegas for a friend’s bachelorette party. This was a huge deal for me as I have not been on a plane in five years and more importantly than that, I wasn’t sure as to how I’d react to flying with my anxiety. I will admit that I took a 0.25 mg Xanax during takeoff on the flight there and home, but beyond that it was fine and I actually enjoyed myself on the airplanes. It sounds silly, but this was a big accomplishment for me.

At the beginning of June, softball started and I’m on a new team. All of the ladies are fantastic and I’m having a lot of fun. I still play volleyball as well but it hasn’t been all fun and games recently. I play on a co-ed team and there is one man on my team who is constantly trying to move me around and control my play simply because I’m female. Well eventually I became fed up with him and at a game a few weeks ago I called him out. He claimed that he was trying to help the team out and even tried to guilt me by saying that he respects women and his mother is dead. Really? I’m sorry your mother is dead but I don’t think that she has anything to do with volleyball. Case closed. We recently played together this past Thursday actually and barely spoke to each other, but that’s OK. We played well together on the court and that’s all that matters.

In the middle of June, I had major anxiety. I wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of the Xanax in my system, stress from work, or both. I’m thinking that it was a combination of both. I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack, thank God, but still, I did feel defeated that I reacted so badly to my thoughts.

Literally a few days after my mini-breakdown my boss gave birth to her son, which then put me in charge of the daily trading operations at my firm. Needless to say I was nervous then and I’m still a little nervous now. I’m two weeks into this experience and it’s been quite eye-opening. I’ve been able to prove to myself that I’m able to handle this job and it has also helped to spark a fire in me and reignite my interest in the stock market and finance in general. However with all of that positivity, I have started to stress eat. I visit the snack closet multiple times a day to help calm myself down when I get nervous at work. This is a terrible way to relieve stress and this week  is the week where I hope to stop this phenomenon.

Last but not least, the issues with the next door neighbors. They had an early Fourth of July party yesterday and didn’t invite my parents. It really hurt my mom’s feelings and made my dad angry. As a result, it made me livid. But on top of that, I felt physical symptoms of anger and anxiety. When I saw my neighbors, I felt my chest tighten and felt pain in my head. I wanted to go over there and start screaming at them. I felt awful for my parents. I always tried to be the bigger person and continue to say hi to them even though they have basically phased my parents out of the neighborhood social circle over the years. I never wanted to be the person who just straight up ignores people but at this point I feel as though it’d be best for my health and psyche to just ignore these people. I have slowly removed myself from them as I have unfriended them on Facebook (which I’m still trying to get rid of) and have limited my communication to just the next-door neighbors but now I’ve really had enough. I really can’t afford the stress anymore and this weekend was the last straw for me.

So that has been my last two months. Lots of good, productive things and a few bumps along the way. My focus right now is to continue healing and working on my health in addition to participating in activities that I like with people who like and respect me. One thing that I’ve learned in the past two months is that I cannot hide my feelings (like being nervous about work or mad at a teammate or neighbor). I have to feel what I feel, take the appropriate action(s), and move on.

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When people make decisions for you… and potentially fire you.

Here’s the exact e-mail chain from this morning between my boyfriend and I about today’s high blood pressure-inducing day at work entitled “The saga of march 26th” (all parties are in caps with descriptions to protect their identities):

ME:

So, believe it or not – I woke up in a fine mood this morning and early! (TRAINER* cancelled training) I left the house at 8:30, which is UNHEARD OF AND was one of the first people in the office at 8:40. I got my super “needs to be done before the bell” stuff, and some of IMMEDIATE BOSS’s stuff done before 9am even. IMMEDIATE BOSS came in around 8:55. Around 9:10 BIGGER BOSS sends a list of a ton of TRADES to trade but we thought that was taking place this Friday based on some reports that I made back in feb of this year and August of 2011. Instead of discussing this LAST WEEK with us, BIGGER BOSS decides to be a lunatic right before the bell ON A MONDAY, which in turn made IMMEDIATE BOSS frantic, and therefore I got dumped on. BIGGER BOSS started yelling at me to trade instead of saying please, etc and called me by the wrong name and I’ve been here almost 4 years… Then IMMEDIATE BOSS decided to check the reports that I did BACK IN FEBRUARY AND AUGUST (so how the hell am I supposed to remember the thought process for them without looking at them) to make sure that trading was ok for today. She kept asking me why I did things the way that I did and I said “I’m not sure but I can take a look” and instead of calming down she started screaming about how they’re wrong when they weren’t.

IMMEDIATE BOSS was then going through my reports and yelling at me about how they’re wrong etc. mind you, I have several copies of each report which are saved down for many reasons and it turns out she wasn’t even looking at the right reports. Also I told her one report was only done up until August. She yelled at me about how it doesn’t matter in the morning and then later yelled at me that it needs to be updated. Talk about Jekyll and Hyde.  I walked out of her office rolling my eyes and FRIENDLY COWORKER was walking towards me. Then she texted me saying that IMMEDIATE BOSS was making faces (like bitchy ones) behind my back and I was doing the same thing and asked if there was tension: to which I replied with “she’s an asshole and she can go fuck herself”

Then she’s been yelling at me about how the reports need to be organized if “someone wants to go in the folder and see them”. Mind you (again) NO ONE IS EVER IN THAT FOLDER BUT ME AND MY SYSTEM WORKS JUST FINE FOR ME. The problem this morning was that she wouldn’t even let me speak and she kept going on and on therefore she was stuck in the wrong version of the files. She’s still being snide and a shithead so I’m not speaking to her for the rest of the day unless absolutely necessary.

Fuck IMMEDIATE BOSS. Fuck “the right thing”. Fuck CRAPPY “LAND THAT TIME FORGOT” COMPANY. I’m done.

The end. 🙂

Sent from my iPhone

BOYFRIEND:

ROTFL!

You’re nicer than me. I would have had a shit fit in that office and started screaming at her. Like legit, screaming.

Then again, people generally don’t speak to me like that. I think that it has something to do with me being the size of a Gorilla and my never-back-down personality.

Anyway, the bottom line is:

1. If she has a spec. for reports, report file naming, and report organization she either needs to spec it out herself or ask you to write a FAQ and then understand that FAQ. Her failure to do this is not your problem. You are not a mind reader.

2. She needs to understand that acting that way in a crisis is what causes ships to sink, airplanes to hit mountains, and people to die. Calmness is key.

3. BIGGER BOSS needs to discuss his trades beforehand. You guys should have some sort of daily informal huddle, if only to get the right hand into the habit of talking to the left hand.

4. Your firm should hire me as a consultant to un-fuck it and help it better leverage the talents of its human resources. I’ve seen more organized monkeyshit fights at the zoo

THEN RANDOM, END OF DAY E-MAIL FROM ME TO BOYFRIEND:

God how I would love to punch him in the face. [REFERRING TO A BAYER REPRESENTATIVE]

IMMEDIATE BOSS just left. She sucks.

Sent from my iPhone

BOYFRIEND RESPONSE

Who, DOUCHEY BAYER REP?

It’s OK. Soon you won’t have to see IMMEDIATE BOSS anymore.

ME AGAIN

Yes I hate Bayer.

AND I just cried in the bathroom with FRIENDLY COWORKER… Oy

Sent from my iPhone

 

If you were able to follow that, God bless you. Long story short, two of my bosses (yes, I’m one of those people with multiple bosses) were frantic this morning trying to figure something out. Then based on my analysis that I did (one last month and one back in August), they were going to confirm everything. Instead of being calm, they did every last-minute and hectic like they always do and my immediate boss went berserk. She yelled at me and barked orders at me all morning long. She told my friendly coworker (who is a good friend of mine), who in turn told me at the end of the day, that I was giving her attitude this morning, which wasn’t the case at all. In fact, I was getting very nervous when talking to my immediate boss and I just tried to help, which she didn’t want to hear and got very nasty with me. I tried to locate the correct analysis file, but she eventually just took things over herself. Needless to say the day was a complete wash and I cried at the end in the bathroom on my coworker’s shoulder. I had a bunch of pent-up frustration from being yelled at by both my immediate boss and her superior that I just had to let it out.

The past week at this place has continued to cement my decision to immediately look for a job. I can’t be hellbent on “doing the right thing” when no one does the right thing for me, and even worse than that, treats me like a dog on top of that.

Tomorrow will be interesting. Perhaps my login and password won’t work and I’ll be fired. Who knows…

 

 
 

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Doing for myself.

Tonight I had an appointment with a job recruiter in the city scheduled for 7pm. I cancelled it, mainly because I’ve been a bit busy in the last few days and I really have no desire to trek into New York City after work. It was to discuss some potential opportunities because I’ve finally decided that if a good position comes along, I’m going for it. Done and done. I can’t feel guilty for wanting to live my life anymore. Even though I’ve been preoccupied as of recently (mainly preoccupation of my own doing), I have finally allowed myself to think about my feelings. My honest to God feelings about where I am and where I’m headed in life.

In terms of where I am, I’m frustrated. I hate my job; I feel underutilized and completely demoralized in this position, which I’ve spoken about on this blog for a while now. I’ve always known this and yet I’ve been suppressing my feelings. I was so blinded by my raise in December and then I had the knowledge of my boss’ pregnancy. With all of that said, I thought that I could stay in this job for another year so that I would “do the right thing” and see her pregnancy out. To make sure that she is comfortable knowing that I can handle her job while she’s out and have one thing less to stress about.

I was told when I got my raise that my job was going to change and that I’d get more responsiblity. I believed that my employer was finally going to do right by me and teach me, help me grow, and look out for my best interests. As I’ve written in previous posts, I’ve had two separate discussions with my boss about how this new and improved outlook on my job never came to fruition; how it’s been month since my review in December and nothing has changed. Instead of receiving this in a constructive way, my boss decided to tell me why I am wrong and need to accept the job as is. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with me and these issues haven’t stopped since then.

I had an issue with my boss two days ago. I work as a trader, yet I don’t have live feeds to the markets (i.e. platform such as Bloomberg financial). Since my boss is leaving for maternity leave and I have to handle all of the trading for our company, I suggested to her that I have a live feed on my computer. Eager enough, my boss agreed and had a conversation with her boss this past Monday. According to her boss, my getting a live feed “isn’t worth it” and I should just get my boss’ ID transferred to my computer until she starts working from home. Eventually a lightbulb went off in my boss’ head when she realized that she basically made it sound like I wasn’t worth it. She followed up telling me about how expensive IDs are and have one of the upper management members was thinking of getting rid of his (which was a lie). This made me ask a plethora of questions to myself such as: Why isn’t it worth it? How much work is my boss really going to be doing at home with a newborn? What if it can’t be transferred, how will I trade? Following these questions, I came to several conclusions. I don’t feel comfortable working in this environment and I know that if I screw up, they will be on my ass in a second flat. This company doesn’t care about my growth or well-being. I’m not worth a damn thing to them and at the end of the day, if they had to fire me, they’d do it without a second thought.

Yet here I am. Sitting in a cube day in, day out. Being a good worker, waiting for this pregnancy and maternity leave to end because I want to help out. I looked at my boss’ pregnancy in a personal way, with a woman’s perspective, understanding that motherhood and pregnancy are strenuous times in a woman’s life. For whatever reason I wanted to make it as easy for her on my end as I could. Maybe subconsciously I thought that by doing this, I’d be taken care of too in return by the company. On a basic level though, I believed that it was common decency.

But why did I care so much? I’ve been with this company for almost four years and I’ve basically been looked at like a benefit for my boss’ life the entire time. Not as an employee who is smart and can contribute to the greater good of the company. Nothing good besides getting a paycheck has come out of working here, yet something came over me in the beginning of this year that made me believe that things will change.

Truth is, things aren’t going to change.

After much thought though, I finally feel comfortable with the fact that I may have to leave this company high and dry if the right job comes along. I didn’t feel like this until now. I was scared of how people would judge me if I just got up and left them in a situation without a competent trader. But I can’t worry about that. There is no loyalty on their end and my run of loyalty to them has officially burned out. No one will take care of me but me.

 

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I am the walrus… or the honey badger.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a day… in my head. I’m starting the symptoms of PMS as it’s that time of the month and this morning/early afternoon I was ready to “smack the shit” (a la the honey badger) out of someone. Well, not really smack someone, but I was really angry, particularly at some of my friends.

I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown up, friends come and go in life, that’s a given. But sometimes they go for really stupid reasons. Case in point – my oldest friend (we’ve known each other for 21 years) was supposed to come out on Saturday night with the rest of our group of women. It took us literally a month to figure out and decide upon a day and as of yesterday everyone was in. Today my friend told me that she can’t go because she’s going to hangout with her husband’s friends. She made up an excuse about her work schedule, but I know she made a last-minute decision. Even if she picked her husband’s friends over us, I wish that she could be honest. What’s worse is that I cut out another friend (see in this post) for ditching me completely for her boyfriend and his friends. As guilty as I feel, I cannot get rid of my oldest friend because well, I’ve known her forever, I do love her, and we’ve shared a lot in our time as friends – the other friend just did this constantly, plus we were never terribly close.

It just bothers me the most when people aren’t honest about things – it REALLY bothered me this morning. But this afternoon, my thoughts changed – sometimes I don’t hold myself to the same standard of honesty, so how can I blame my friend for lying? Ah, the joys of PMS.

I just feel kind of funky today. It’s rainy here in NJ plus PMS always makes me a moody. The ups and downs of my thoughts are unreal – if I would have written this post this morning it would’ve been a shitshow (for lack of a better, less crude term – apologies). I would’ve gone overboard talking about how my friends don’t care about me, etc and talking about how I mad I am. Now that I’m calmer, I can think a little clearly and try to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I would just prefer to even out… a girl can dream.

Beyond that, my routine’s have been becoming more consistent. Of course they’re still imperfect (very imperfect), but I’m noticing an increase in the amount of times that I follow through with things and that’s a good sign.

I’m always going to be a work-in-progress.

 

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A meeting puts life into perspective.

Since I had the day off today, I went out to lunch with a good friend of mine from high school. She moved out to Colorado with her fiance last year around this time. They’re both really nice people. I’ve missed both of them so much since they’ve left and I thought that things were overall going well for them out there. Recently, my friend has told me that her and her fiance have been fighting, but I didn’t know how bad it was until today.

Apparently, he’s been verbally abusive plus he’s been withholding health insurance from her – of course a shock to me as he acts like a completely different person in public. She told me all of the awful things that he’s said to her. In addition, she had ovarian cancer a few years ago and underwent chemotherapy for it. She has been in remission for a while, but she isn’t feeling too well now. unfortunately, she recently lost her job and has no health insurance. Worse than that, her fiance refuses to put her on his plan.

I’m completely shocked and appalled by his behavior and I’m hoping that she eventually leaves him. We spoke about that today and hopefully she’ll follow through.

It’s talks like this that make me really think about my own life. How blessed I am and how silly I look complaining about my job and other things. I feel terrible that I’m living this comfortable life and my friend is struggling in every aspect of her life. I hope that I can really change my attitude and thinking – more importantly, I hope that my friend gets the medical help that she needs and then from there takes the right steps to change her life for the better.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Female Interaction

 

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Stuck at a crossroads.

I feel as though I’ve been stuck in the mud; spinning my wheels, trying to get out of a ditch with no luck. I hate complaining about it because I think back to when I was so depressed that I didn’t see the point in living this life anymore.

I’m not depressed now, I know that, but I feel somewhat indifferent, especially in the past few days and I’m not sure what’s worse. It seems as though I’m just going through the motions with no specific goal or purpose. Sure I have things that I’m working towards such as changing my body and the way that I take care of it, thinking of possibly getting my personal training certificate, and so on.

But on the other side of that, I’m not thrilled with my everyday life, especially my professional life. I used to be proud and happy to be working in my industry (and I’ve been in the investments industry for about six years now), but things have changed and I’ve seen the darker side of it – through the way the economy has blown up in the past few years in addition to things that have happened during my tenure at my current job (which I’ve had for four years already). I’ve never been this unhappy with it.

I wonder if it’s really my circumstances or my attitude. I’m really leaning toward this being an attitude problem. I’ve been in plenty of situations in my twnety six years of exsistence on this planet where they weren’t pretty, but I was able to put it all aside and enjoy life. I just haven’t been able to do this since 2010. As of right now, I have a bad attitude and that’s pretty clear. Certain members of my family and a few friends have taken notice of it and that kills me, because that’s not me. I’m usually pretty easy going, happy but it’s been hard to get to that point again. I don’t want to push people away because I’m so negative. I need to make a change.

I have to do a total attitude overhaul. My problem right now is that I’m going through a transitional point in my life. I’m thinking that I’ll probably move out of my parents house next year, my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years already (but there’s no timetable for marriage), and I have no idea as to what I want to do with my life. For whatever reason these and other potential events/ideas have been driving me up a wall. I feel as though I haven’t done enough and that I’m not where I should be professionally, socially, etc. It’s a strange feeling, I’ve never felt such pressure before in my life.

But instead of dealing with my feelings and just being happy for what I have and all that I’ve accomplished, I don’t take good care of myself, plus I harbor negativity and it sometimes comes out when I’m dealing with others at home, work, or in a social setting. I have a loving family and boyfriend, I have a handful of loyal, good friends, I have my MBA, and I have a good paying, stable job (not interested in the job function though). Yet it seems as though for now, it’s not enough and I’m not sure why. I sound like a spoiled brat and honestly, I feel as though that’s how I’ve been acting recently and I’m thoroughly disappointed with myself.

All I’ve been saying is that “I’m going to change, I’m going to change”, but I haven’t. I’m still wakling around with this chip on my shoulder at work, I’m complaining constantly to my family and friends, and I’m just not at peace. It’s a rough position to be in and at the end of the day, it’s 100% my fault.

So where do I go from here? For one thing, I feel like I have to be honest going forward. Perhaps that’s the first step. Limiting my time of Facebook was a good starting point for that; I had to admit to myself that as much as I “didn’t care” about what I was reading, I actually did care… a lot, too much even. With that said, I actually went on the website more than once this weekend. I did a lot of cleaning up on there, I unsubscribed to most of my friends’ posts, I subscribed to some great female fitness professionals to catch some of their articles and I even went a step further. I’m not sure if I’m going to delete the account or not, but for now, I’m just glad that it’s less toxic for me now. One interesting point that came from Friday’s “cleanse” is that I unfriended someone who’ve I’ve been relatively close to in recent years. I’ve had this friend, who hasn’t really treated me like a good friend would. She’s been dating this guy and has completely ignored me unless he’s not around. She’s been pissing me off for some time, yet I’ve been too afraid to cut her out of my life because I’m just generally afraid to lose friends. On Friday though, I decided to cut her, electronically speaking. Granted, that’s not enough and eventually I’ll have to say something to her in real life, but for me that was huge. I “unfriended” her because I couldn’t stand to read her posts that bragged about her awesome life that she so happily kept me out of for no reason. I had have enough and finally did what I should’ve done a long time ago.

There are a few things that need to be changed in my life right now. First and foremost I need to be honest about how I’ve been living. I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking great care of myself. It’s been nothing insanely bad, as in I don’t smoke or do drugs. I’m not much of a drinker either. But in terms of diet and exercise, I’m doing better, but I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself when my consistency comes into question. In addition, I don’t take good care of my appearance. I have to do my skin care regiment every day, not once every few days. I need to wash and take care of my hair more, even though it’s a pain because it’s so thick and frizzy. I need to portray a better appearance every day and take care of myself. Perhaps put on a little bit of makeup for work. Wear some more jewelry. Make sure that my clothes are ironed and not all wrinkled. I think me letting go of my appearance reflects a bigger problem and that’s my attitude and indifference towards life right now.

Another thing that needs to be addressed in my life is the “relationship garbage”. What I mean by that is all of the gossiping and poor treatment given to me and given by me. I’m not a saint. I’ve said and done some not-so-nice things and I know this. I need to change the way that I treat other people; instead of talking behind someone’s back, I need to talk and address my concerns directly to them. I also need to stop critizing and judging others’ actions and beliefs. People are going to do what they want to do and I am no one to judge.

In terms of the treatment that I receive, I need to stop lying to myself and let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart. I tend to keep people around because for whatever reason my brain associates “a healthy social life” with a larger quantity of friends rather than having quality friends. This is wrong and I know it but my thinking has clearly been so off that I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised that I’ve kept people in my life who only use me for favors, but when I need them they’re nowhere to be found. This needs to stop and I need to tell these people exactly how I feel instead of ignoring the problem and letting it fester in my head.

As you can see, I’m at a point in my life where things need to change. I can’t let this go on any longer. I can’t keep making excuses for not changing my every day life, not changing my thoughts, for not even trying. It’s been too long and I am tired of feeling so indifferent and negative, depending on the day.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is truly a new day and I’m not just bullshitting.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 12, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Communication, Life's Goals

 

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Honesty is the best policy.

I have a bone to pick with my bosses. When I had my review in December, I was told that if there’s a problem that I could talk about it openly. That leads me to today. I have some grievances (think the Airing of Grievances a la Festivus) that I need to get off of my chest and explain. I think that they’ve been causing me some anxiety over the past few weeks. I cannot let these thoughts boil over because I risk having a panic attack OR (and probably worse than that) being a moody SOB, like I’ve been lately (and that’s usually not me, I’m not a moody person, but my anxiety drives me to that point sometimes).

I am having a hard time bringing myself to my boss’ office today to ask if we can have a conversation. I may try to drink some red roobios tea beforehand and hopefully I’ll muster up the courage to get this done.

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2012 in Changing My Situation

 

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