I feel as though I’ve been stuck in the mud; spinning my wheels, trying to get out of a ditch with no luck. I hate complaining about it because I think back to when I was so depressed that I didn’t see the point in living this life anymore.
I’m not depressed now, I know that, but I feel somewhat indifferent, especially in the past few days and I’m not sure what’s worse. It seems as though I’m just going through the motions with no specific goal or purpose. Sure I have things that I’m working towards such as changing my body and the way that I take care of it, thinking of possibly getting my personal training certificate, and so on.
But on the other side of that, I’m not thrilled with my everyday life, especially my professional life. I used to be proud and happy to be working in my industry (and I’ve been in the investments industry for about six years now), but things have changed and I’ve seen the darker side of it – through the way the economy has blown up in the past few years in addition to things that have happened during my tenure at my current job (which I’ve had for four years already). I’ve never been this unhappy with it.
I wonder if it’s really my circumstances or my attitude. I’m really leaning toward this being an attitude problem. I’ve been in plenty of situations in my twnety six years of exsistence on this planet where they weren’t pretty, but I was able to put it all aside and enjoy life. I just haven’t been able to do this since 2010. As of right now, I have a bad attitude and that’s pretty clear. Certain members of my family and a few friends have taken notice of it and that kills me, because that’s not me. I’m usually pretty easy going, happy but it’s been hard to get to that point again. I don’t want to push people away because I’m so negative. I need to make a change.
I have to do a total attitude overhaul. My problem right now is that I’m going through a transitional point in my life. I’m thinking that I’ll probably move out of my parents house next year, my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years already (but there’s no timetable for marriage), and I have no idea as to what I want to do with my life. For whatever reason these and other potential events/ideas have been driving me up a wall. I feel as though I haven’t done enough and that I’m not where I should be professionally, socially, etc. It’s a strange feeling, I’ve never felt such pressure before in my life.
But instead of dealing with my feelings and just being happy for what I have and all that I’ve accomplished, I don’t take good care of myself, plus I harbor negativity and it sometimes comes out when I’m dealing with others at home, work, or in a social setting. I have a loving family and boyfriend, I have a handful of loyal, good friends, I have my MBA, and I have a good paying, stable job (not interested in the job function though). Yet it seems as though for now, it’s not enough and I’m not sure why. I sound like a spoiled brat and honestly, I feel as though that’s how I’ve been acting recently and I’m thoroughly disappointed with myself.
All I’ve been saying is that “I’m going to change, I’m going to change”, but I haven’t. I’m still wakling around with this chip on my shoulder at work, I’m complaining constantly to my family and friends, and I’m just not at peace. It’s a rough position to be in and at the end of the day, it’s 100% my fault.
So where do I go from here? For one thing, I feel like I have to be honest going forward. Perhaps that’s the first step. Limiting my time of Facebook was a good starting point for that; I had to admit to myself that as much as I “didn’t care” about what I was reading, I actually did care… a lot, too much even. With that said, I actually went on the website more than once this weekend. I did a lot of cleaning up on there, I unsubscribed to most of my friends’ posts, I subscribed to some great female fitness professionals to catch some of their articles and I even went a step further. I’m not sure if I’m going to delete the account or not, but for now, I’m just glad that it’s less toxic for me now. One interesting point that came from Friday’s “cleanse” is that I unfriended someone who’ve I’ve been relatively close to in recent years. I’ve had this friend, who hasn’t really treated me like a good friend would. She’s been dating this guy and has completely ignored me unless he’s not around. She’s been pissing me off for some time, yet I’ve been too afraid to cut her out of my life because I’m just generally afraid to lose friends. On Friday though, I decided to cut her, electronically speaking. Granted, that’s not enough and eventually I’ll have to say something to her in real life, but for me that was huge. I “unfriended” her because I couldn’t stand to read her posts that bragged about her awesome life that she so happily kept me out of for no reason. I had have enough and finally did what I should’ve done a long time ago.
There are a few things that need to be changed in my life right now. First and foremost I need to be honest about how I’ve been living. I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking great care of myself. It’s been nothing insanely bad, as in I don’t smoke or do drugs. I’m not much of a drinker either. But in terms of diet and exercise, I’m doing better, but I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself when my consistency comes into question. In addition, I don’t take good care of my appearance. I have to do my skin care regiment every day, not once every few days. I need to wash and take care of my hair more, even though it’s a pain because it’s so thick and frizzy. I need to portray a better appearance every day and take care of myself. Perhaps put on a little bit of makeup for work. Wear some more jewelry. Make sure that my clothes are ironed and not all wrinkled. I think me letting go of my appearance reflects a bigger problem and that’s my attitude and indifference towards life right now.
Another thing that needs to be addressed in my life is the “relationship garbage”. What I mean by that is all of the gossiping and poor treatment given to me and given by me. I’m not a saint. I’ve said and done some not-so-nice things and I know this. I need to change the way that I treat other people; instead of talking behind someone’s back, I need to talk and address my concerns directly to them. I also need to stop critizing and judging others’ actions and beliefs. People are going to do what they want to do and I am no one to judge.
In terms of the treatment that I receive, I need to stop lying to myself and let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart. I tend to keep people around because for whatever reason my brain associates “a healthy social life” with a larger quantity of friends rather than having quality friends. This is wrong and I know it but my thinking has clearly been so off that I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised that I’ve kept people in my life who only use me for favors, but when I need them they’re nowhere to be found. This needs to stop and I need to tell these people exactly how I feel instead of ignoring the problem and letting it fester in my head.
As you can see, I’m at a point in my life where things need to change. I can’t let this go on any longer. I can’t keep making excuses for not changing my every day life, not changing my thoughts, for not even trying. It’s been too long and I am tired of feeling so indifferent and negative, depending on the day.
Here’s hoping that tomorrow is truly a new day and I’m not just bullshitting.