Tag Archives: Positivity

A Break.

I am off from work both today and tomorrow, therefore I have a four-day weekend. It’s much-needed especially after last week’s fiasco at work. I was the calmest today than I’ve been in months. It’s amazing how much stress and anxiety my job causes me. I didn’t feel the slightest bit of angst today, even though I basically ran around like a mad woman.

My boss tried to “make amends” (sort of) last Friday. She was obviously sheepish about what went down and barely made eye contact with me. She went on to explain how she was flustered and just wants things to go smoothly next time. Next time? I hope to God that there’s not a next time. Unless I get a new job within the next month or so there will probably be a next time. And if this happens again, I now know how I’m going to handle the situation. I am going to walk out of the office for a few minutes, compose myself, and then I’m getting my stuff and leaving for the day. Sitting around in my cube all day stewing was exhausting and made me physically ill.

Oddly enough I had a therapy appointment (I still go once per month just to keep myself in check, I haven’t had a panic attack since last summer) last Thursday night. I explained exactly what happened at work to the doctor and he told me that I was psychologically abused by my bosses and that a lot of what I experience at work is abuse. I was confused by that statement basically because I associate “abuse” with physicality. I also am conflicted as to whether or not that’s an overdramatized explanation of my bosses’ behaviors. I certainly identify their actions as being wrong and unwarranted, but I would really hate to say that it’s abuse considering that I know people who’ve gone through way worse than this at work. Either way, it felt great to get this off my chest with my doctor and just get his insights on the situation. I told him about my plans to leave this job and possibly move onto a brand new career; he agreed with my ideas and encouraged me to pursue them, which I found to be comforting.

Through these events, I’ve found my truth; I’ve figured out the right decision for me and my career. I can’t waste my time and my life with people who are simply bad people. I can’t stay at a place that doesn’t give two cents about me or my growth. I need to continue to work hard and be employed, making a living. But that doesn’t mean that I have to sit back and take crap from people as they dangle money in my face. There are other jobs out there; whether or not they’re in investments or a totally different venture, I will find a new job, a better job. One that allows me to grow and prosper both professionally and as a person. That’s my goal for 2012. This is my new focus and I will do my best to get there.

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it’s not that obvious; in this case it didn’t hit me until I got home from work the day of the incident. Regardless of when you figure out what’s in front of you and find that glimmer of positivity, once you find it, you’re golden.


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Finally thinking outside the box.

I finally found a wonderful job that I believe I can excel in. The best part is that it has almost nothing to do with finance (minus payroll/budgeting) and everything to do with college kids and athletics/fitness.

I went to the human resources department website for my alma mater, where I received my MBA, to look for a job. I found an assistant marketing director job that deals with the school’s fitness and recreation programs. It requires thinking about new programs and events for the campus recreation center, in addition to some administration work, which would be great. I’ve really wanted to take on a leadership role, that’s always been a goal of mine.

I love sports and have recently gotten into diet and fitness more so now than I have my entire life. What a perfect opportunity for me.

I mentioned it to my parents, who are skeptical but happy that I found a particular direction that I might want to head towards professionally.

I’m confident that I can do this job. I spent an hour Sunday night writing a cover letter and adjusting my resume. I sent it electronically and got an e-mail receipt yesterday. Last night I mailed out a hard copy of both documents.

Wish me luck!


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A new year, a new me? resolutions and reality.

Today is New Year’s Eve and I’ve thought about resolutions. Resolutions seem like a great idea, every year. But this year I’m trying to take a new approach. Instead of resolutions, I just need learn to take care of myself and not got frustrated if I miss a day at the gym or if I miss a day of my skin regiment. I need to relax and stop trying to be so stringent on myself. I hope to go out more with my boyfriend, family, and friends. Do more activities, take more trips (long and short). I just want to live in the present from now on, but I know myself, I won’t do that all the time. But I certainly want to try at least! The reality is that I’m human and I’m not perfect. To try to stick to a strict regiment isn’t going to work; life happens and it could throw off your schedule on any given day.

In terms of my health, I know that I use this blog to go over birth control and the anxiety and depression that I had, but I want to at least try to not talk about that so much and just focus on my feelings each day that I write. If I’m feeling anxiety on a day, so be it – it’s therapeutic for me to blog about it, but I have to focus on the present and find solutions to anxiety; how I would help myself through anxiety or irrational thoughts at that particular moment.

In terms of Facebook, I need to cut back (AGAIN!) because I spend way too much time on it (I fell into the trap). I have a few interest groups that I “like” and follow, but beyond that, the rest of the site is just garbage. Many of my Facebook friends fall into one or more of these categories and it’s getting annoying:

I’m just hoping to improve upon things in the new year and continue to learn and grow.

Happy and Healthy New Year to you and yours!


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Christmas: Fun, but not perfect.

Christmas provides such a strange dichotomy for many people, myself included. The thought of decorations, time with family and friends, giving presents makes me giddy, yet at the same time, the ideas surrounding Christmas (i.e. perfection and happiness all of the time) make me feel less than adequate. Don’t be fooled, I do love Christmas, but I guess as I get older and see that things aren’t perfect (i.e. my family, etc.), it gets me thinking. I think when I was a child I believed that everyone was happy largely due to the fact that I wasn’t exposed to more adult themes such as depression, drug use, etc. that existed in my family. I only found out about these things later in my life and now this knowledge makes reality, especially around the holidays, a bit harder to swallow.

After I developed anxiety and depression (again, it’s for the most part, controlled or even gone), my ability to focus on my own life and not compare it to others’ has been a bit of a struggle. Last Christmas was my first Christmas with those issues and it wasn’t pleasant as they were running rampant at that point. This Christmas is so much better, but I suppose that my anxiety gets the better of me nowadays and makes me question whether or not I’m “doing things right” or what others would think of my lifestyle. Sounds weird, right? YES because IT IS WEIRD. Granted, there are some things going on, including having a small family and a great-uncle who has Dementia, that can contribute to off feelings at this time. But there is a lot that I have to look forward to and enough people who I have to be grateful for. It’s just hard controlling these feelings sometimes, especially at a time where people are supposed to be living this idyllic holiday season with nothing but positivity abounding as per society and consumerism.

Amir A. Afkhami, a blogger for Psychology Today, explains this as the “Christmas Blues” (the namesake for his entry):

His advice:

“It is important for individuals to acknowledge the difficulties during this period: seek professional help with severe Christmas depression when needed. However, staying active and not isolated, reducing alcohol consumption and being aware and mindful of difficult family dynamics can lessen holiday blues. Most importantly, remember that the advertising hype and picture perfect imagery is fictional; don’t let it define your experience!”

It’s great advice that I think resonates with many different people.

On a funnier note, the holidays also bring about bragging via Christmas letters. Now I’ve never been the victim of a Christmas letter, nor has my family (I guess we can be grateful for having friends who don’t send out such things). But I know of people who’ve sent them out and how pretentious these letters can be. Dr. Mark Sherman examines them in his hysterically funny blog entry:

This is probably the predecessor to the Facebook epidemic that we see year round now. Life would be so much easier for everybody if people would just stop bragging. Perhaps we can celebrate one another’s achievements and support those who’ve gone through rough times. Even just sharing real news, not just the good stuff, would help make things better for everyone in the sense that people would finally see that they’re not alone in their struggles whether they’re financial, family related, etc. Although, I’m not sure that I’d need to know everything that went wrong…

“On a sad note, we had to put Puddles to sleep. They say you don’t get attached to hamsters, but take my word for it, you do.”

I just had to laugh at that.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season – whatever holidays you do celebrate! I chose to share my feelings on how I view the holidays not to be sad or morbid (as for the most part, I’m really enjoying myself this year) but just to throw it out there just in case someone else feels the way that I do and needs to know that they’re not alone.

Perhaps my sharing can help.

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Posted by on December 23, 2011 in Family


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The day I never thought would come.

My school loan is officially paid off, but not by me. The remaining $35,000USD (on an original $80,000 loan) was paid off this morning by my nonna (my Italian grandmother). I called her and immediately thanked her profusely. It was supposed to be a surprise that she apparently wanted to reveal to me on HER birthday (I know, strange), but according to her, she “couldn’t keep her fucking mouth shut.” (Her best English is her cursing)

I was stunned. My mom broke this news to me as I sat in my cube at work. I started to cry hysterically, which was a little embarrassing, but at this point, I could care less. My nonna single-handedly saved my life. She has freed me from the restrictions of this loan and I’m absolutely grateful for it. I called her to thank her, but I’ll never be able to pay her back with the same generosity. She has one of the most admirable attitudes I’ve ever seen; she came from nothing in Italy and came to America where she made something of herself. Her spirit is beyond amazing. It makes me mad at myself sometimes because I’ve been blessed, even spoiled, in my life – and this instance is just another example! I should be helping her, not the other way around.

I was reading Psychology Today and came across the article Preparing for Thanksgiving… And a Healthy, Happier You

Oddly enough, this article mentions using a gratitude journal to write down three things that you’re grateful for each day. What a day to read such a thing!

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My nonna for paying off my loan and her unconditional love towards me

2. My parents for their kind words, encouragement, and the ideas that they gave to me today

3. My life – I’ve been blessed in countless ways and even though it hasn’t always been smooth sailing, it’s been a trip. I’ve learned a lot so far and I’m glad that I can seriously appreciate this awesome surprise that I received today.

What are you grateful for today?


Posted by on November 14, 2011 in Changing My Situation, Family


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I did not forget about my blog.

But my absence sure makes it seem that way!

Welcome back.

It’s been a busy few weeks. There’s the possibility of a new job. I’ve been feeling better. My boyfriend is trying to figure out his life. I’ve been playing sports multiple times per week. I’ve had volunteer meetings. It’s been good – life’s been good. Not perfect, but good and I honestly can’t complain.

I look back on how I was last year at this time; stressed, scared, sick. Things are still stressful now with trying to change jobs and contemplating the future, but I can deal with it all so much better. I’ve also been able to control my anxiety and have faith that the future is bright. I don’t feel like this everyday but I have more and more good days like this, which is promising. Today just happens to be a good day.

It’s weird being at this point in my life. I’m 26 and I’ve never had so much anxiety about my future as I did over the past year and a half. I’m not sure if it was caused by the onset of severe anxiety caused by hormonal birth control OR if it was going to come down the pike at some point. Either way, it’s gotten a lot better. I realized that I have to stop worrying about how I’m going to live and just live already! I was spending way too much time worrying about things that never happened.

I came to this realization during a conversation with my boyfriend recently. He and I have been arguing probably every week for the past month, maybe two. We were bickering over things that haven’t even happen and may not happen in the near future – things like house purchases, children, engagement rings, weddings. Just crazy things that have no bearing on our lives as of now, in the present. We sat back for a minute and asked ourselves, “what are we doing?” Ultimately it came to us. We’re so focused on the future that we haven’t enjoyed the present and moreover, we haven’t relaxed. I mean really relaxed. Not just sitting on a couch and hanging out, but shutting our minds off, enjoying one another’s company, laughing, eating good food, playing games, chatting about silly things.

Jobs and schooling and taking our relationship to the “next level” are all important facets of our lives, but being able to just stop and smell the roses is imperative to our happiness.

That’s what we need to do right now.

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Posted by on November 11, 2011 in Changing My Situation, Job Search


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Being the rock when you don’t feel completely capable.

I’ve been on this positive thinking kick for five days now. I feel very good, very in control of myself at the moment. Nothing’s changed in my life, but I’ve seriously worked on changing my thinking. By doing this, I can feel my self-confidence coming back. It’s about damn time; I’ve missed it.

Although the past few days have been good to my mind, they haven’t been so generous to a few people around me. My boyfriend is having a crisis of confidence in his own right and a good friend and coworker of mine is having serious relationship trouble. Both of them have come to me; to vent, get advice, things of that nature. As much as I want to help them and try my best at doing that, I can’t help but question my ability to be a reliable outlet for them.

I, myself, was out-of-it, messed up, and at a breaking point at this time last year. How am I qualified to give advice?

As I ponder this question, I thought back to my experience with depression and severe anxiety; thoughts and reactions so bad that I considered suicide at one point. I needed people around me and I needed to talk, whether I was having a panic attack at my desk to the thought of considering quitting school and my job. I used every possible human resource I had from my parents, to my boyfriend, to my friends, coworkers and everyone in between. There was varied exposure between these parties; some learning much more than others, but the idea was that I needed to vent, I needed someone to tell me things will be alright and I needed support in working on my issues. That’s exactly what I got and I can say that one year later I’m a changed woman thanks to all of the help I received.

I do feel that at this point in my life I can give reasonable advice, but some days the confidence in my ability to do so waivers. Do I feel somewhat hypocritical for doling out advice when I had a serious moment of weakness in my own life? Yes. But I do feel that I have to pay it forward; I have to help anyone who comes to me in their time of need and needs assistance. So for now, I have to push aside my fears of being a hypocrite and just do what’s right.

It’s the least I can do.


Posted by on October 13, 2011 in Communication


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