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A Break.

I am off from work both today and tomorrow, therefore I have a four-day weekend. It’s much-needed especially after last week’s fiasco at work. I was the calmest today than I’ve been in months. It’s amazing how much stress and anxiety my job causes me. I didn’t feel the slightest bit of angst today, even though I basically ran around like a mad woman.

My boss tried to “make amends” (sort of) last Friday. She was obviously sheepish about what went down and barely made eye contact with me. She went on to explain how she was flustered and just wants things to go smoothly next time. Next time? I hope to God that there’s not a next time. Unless I get a new job within the next month or so there will probably be a next time. And if this happens again, I now know how I’m going to handle the situation. I am going to walk out of the office for a few minutes, compose myself, and then I’m getting my stuff and leaving for the day. Sitting around in my cube all day stewing was exhausting and made me physically ill.

Oddly enough I had a therapy appointment (I still go once per month just to keep myself in check, I haven’t had a panic attack since last summer) last Thursday night. I explained exactly what happened at work to the doctor and he told me that I was psychologically abused by my bosses and that a lot of what I experience at work is abuse. I was confused by that statement basically because I associate “abuse” with physicality. I also am conflicted as to whether or not that’s an overdramatized explanation of my bosses’ behaviors. I certainly identify their actions as being wrong and unwarranted, but I would really hate to say that it’s abuse considering that I know people who’ve gone through way worse than this at work. Either way, it felt great to get this off my chest with my doctor and just get his insights on the situation. I told him about my plans to leave this job and possibly move onto a brand new career; he agreed with my ideas and encouraged me to pursue them, which I found to be comforting.

Through these events, I’ve found my truth; I’ve figured out the right decision for me and my career. I can’t waste my time and my life with people who are simply bad people. I can’t stay at a place that doesn’t give two cents about me or my growth. I need to continue to work hard and be employed, making a living. But that doesn’t mean that I have to sit back and take crap from people as they dangle money in my face. There are other jobs out there; whether or not they’re in investments or a totally different venture, I will find a new job, a better job. One that allows me to grow and prosper both professionally and as a person. That’s my goal for 2012. This is my new focus and I will do my best to get there.

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it’s not that obvious; in this case it didn’t hit me until I got home from work the day of the incident. Regardless of when you figure out what’s in front of you and find that glimmer of positivity, once you find it, you’re golden.

 

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When people make decisions for you… and potentially fire you.

Here’s the exact e-mail chain from this morning between my boyfriend and I about today’s high blood pressure-inducing day at work entitled “The saga of march 26th” (all parties are in caps with descriptions to protect their identities):

ME:

So, believe it or not – I woke up in a fine mood this morning and early! (TRAINER* cancelled training) I left the house at 8:30, which is UNHEARD OF AND was one of the first people in the office at 8:40. I got my super “needs to be done before the bell” stuff, and some of IMMEDIATE BOSS’s stuff done before 9am even. IMMEDIATE BOSS came in around 8:55. Around 9:10 BIGGER BOSS sends a list of a ton of TRADES to trade but we thought that was taking place this Friday based on some reports that I made back in feb of this year and August of 2011. Instead of discussing this LAST WEEK with us, BIGGER BOSS decides to be a lunatic right before the bell ON A MONDAY, which in turn made IMMEDIATE BOSS frantic, and therefore I got dumped on. BIGGER BOSS started yelling at me to trade instead of saying please, etc and called me by the wrong name and I’ve been here almost 4 years… Then IMMEDIATE BOSS decided to check the reports that I did BACK IN FEBRUARY AND AUGUST (so how the hell am I supposed to remember the thought process for them without looking at them) to make sure that trading was ok for today. She kept asking me why I did things the way that I did and I said “I’m not sure but I can take a look” and instead of calming down she started screaming about how they’re wrong when they weren’t.

IMMEDIATE BOSS was then going through my reports and yelling at me about how they’re wrong etc. mind you, I have several copies of each report which are saved down for many reasons and it turns out she wasn’t even looking at the right reports. Also I told her one report was only done up until August. She yelled at me about how it doesn’t matter in the morning and then later yelled at me that it needs to be updated. Talk about Jekyll and Hyde.  I walked out of her office rolling my eyes and FRIENDLY COWORKER was walking towards me. Then she texted me saying that IMMEDIATE BOSS was making faces (like bitchy ones) behind my back and I was doing the same thing and asked if there was tension: to which I replied with “she’s an asshole and she can go fuck herself”

Then she’s been yelling at me about how the reports need to be organized if “someone wants to go in the folder and see them”. Mind you (again) NO ONE IS EVER IN THAT FOLDER BUT ME AND MY SYSTEM WORKS JUST FINE FOR ME. The problem this morning was that she wouldn’t even let me speak and she kept going on and on therefore she was stuck in the wrong version of the files. She’s still being snide and a shithead so I’m not speaking to her for the rest of the day unless absolutely necessary.

Fuck IMMEDIATE BOSS. Fuck “the right thing”. Fuck CRAPPY “LAND THAT TIME FORGOT” COMPANY. I’m done.

The end. 🙂

Sent from my iPhone

BOYFRIEND:

ROTFL!

You’re nicer than me. I would have had a shit fit in that office and started screaming at her. Like legit, screaming.

Then again, people generally don’t speak to me like that. I think that it has something to do with me being the size of a Gorilla and my never-back-down personality.

Anyway, the bottom line is:

1. If she has a spec. for reports, report file naming, and report organization she either needs to spec it out herself or ask you to write a FAQ and then understand that FAQ. Her failure to do this is not your problem. You are not a mind reader.

2. She needs to understand that acting that way in a crisis is what causes ships to sink, airplanes to hit mountains, and people to die. Calmness is key.

3. BIGGER BOSS needs to discuss his trades beforehand. You guys should have some sort of daily informal huddle, if only to get the right hand into the habit of talking to the left hand.

4. Your firm should hire me as a consultant to un-fuck it and help it better leverage the talents of its human resources. I’ve seen more organized monkeyshit fights at the zoo

THEN RANDOM, END OF DAY E-MAIL FROM ME TO BOYFRIEND:

God how I would love to punch him in the face. [REFERRING TO A BAYER REPRESENTATIVE]

IMMEDIATE BOSS just left. She sucks.

Sent from my iPhone

BOYFRIEND RESPONSE

Who, DOUCHEY BAYER REP?

It’s OK. Soon you won’t have to see IMMEDIATE BOSS anymore.

ME AGAIN

Yes I hate Bayer.

AND I just cried in the bathroom with FRIENDLY COWORKER… Oy

Sent from my iPhone

 

If you were able to follow that, God bless you. Long story short, two of my bosses (yes, I’m one of those people with multiple bosses) were frantic this morning trying to figure something out. Then based on my analysis that I did (one last month and one back in August), they were going to confirm everything. Instead of being calm, they did every last-minute and hectic like they always do and my immediate boss went berserk. She yelled at me and barked orders at me all morning long. She told my friendly coworker (who is a good friend of mine), who in turn told me at the end of the day, that I was giving her attitude this morning, which wasn’t the case at all. In fact, I was getting very nervous when talking to my immediate boss and I just tried to help, which she didn’t want to hear and got very nasty with me. I tried to locate the correct analysis file, but she eventually just took things over herself. Needless to say the day was a complete wash and I cried at the end in the bathroom on my coworker’s shoulder. I had a bunch of pent-up frustration from being yelled at by both my immediate boss and her superior that I just had to let it out.

The past week at this place has continued to cement my decision to immediately look for a job. I can’t be hellbent on “doing the right thing” when no one does the right thing for me, and even worse than that, treats me like a dog on top of that.

Tomorrow will be interesting. Perhaps my login and password won’t work and I’ll be fired. Who knows…

 

 
 

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President’s day off.

This is my first day off from work (besides weekends of course) in a while. It’s much-needed as my boss and I have been at odds over the quality of my work and my future at the company.

About two weeks ago on a Friday I asked my boss if I could speak to her privately. She agreed to meet with me in her office in a closed-door meeting. Basically I spilled my guts to her, in a respectful manner, about how I’m feeling about my role at the firm. I explained how I feel as though I get all of the grunt work (I do a lot of data entry that is for the most part pointless) and how I feel that I don’t use my brain. I also told her how I feel disrespected by many of the managers and I feel as though they don’t trust me, regardless of my good track record.

Her response wasn’t all that great as she basically admitted to me that my job here will always require data entry and may change over time if the firm changes its strategy. She also tried to trap me – she asked me what position I would rather work in. I answered that question with an ambiguous answer about how I’d want a position with real responsibility and thought-provoking work. She replied saying that it sounds like I don’t know what I want to do with my life and that I should like my job – a lame attempt at reverse psychology as she’s not professional and beyond investing, she’s not bright. Knowing her, she probably went back to her boss and told him a twisted version of what I said and at this point, I don’t even care.

Monday rolled around and she told everyone that she’s pregnant. She didn’t even tell me to my face; she sent a group e-mail to me and a few of my coworkers. Again, professionalism at its best from her, as always.

Tuesday comes and she asks to speak with me. I get into her office and she says that now she wants to tell me what’s on her mind. She tells me that she thinks that I’m unhappy at the firm to which I bluntly replied with “yes I am.” Then she goes on to tell me that she was worried about our conversation from Friday all weekend. She said that she wants me to be happy and that she wants me to be “here for years.” Little does she know that I’m not buying her act; she was worried all weekend because she needs me to stay in order to cover for her while she’s on maternity leave. It’s all so transparent, but she thinks that I’m gullible.

Because I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll stay until her baby is born (only because I feel it’s the right thing to do), I have to deal with this position for the next six months. I need to change my attitude and not take this seriously. I need to look at it as a temporary situation and prep my resume and gather my contacts up for a job search towards the end of August.

As far as my boss goes, I’m giving the honesty and forthcoming talks a break. Things aren’t going to change here and I rather leave on my own accord rather than get fired.

I’m just counting down the days at this point.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Job Search, Uncategorized

 

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207 Friends.

Wow, this extended week has proven to be the “weekend of the Facebook purge” for me. I’m now down to 207 friends. Now the people are starting to look familiar to me! How exciting!

For now, I think I’m done purging my friends list, but we’ll see how things go. I made some interesting and not so interesting decisions in terms of who I “unfriended” tonight. Obviously I got rid of people from my various schools classes who 1. I haven’t seen or spoken to in years and 2. (and most importantly) said people who CONSTANTLY brag. On the other hand, I got rid of particular people for certain reasons.

In any case, I have to see how this goes as now it’s basically down to real people in my life and a few far removed classmates, etc. If I really can’t stand it anymore, I may deactivate or delete my account.

For now, I’m playing it by ear.

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2012 in Facebook Rants

 

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Christmas: Fun, but not perfect.

Christmas provides such a strange dichotomy for many people, myself included. The thought of decorations, time with family and friends, giving presents makes me giddy, yet at the same time, the ideas surrounding Christmas (i.e. perfection and happiness all of the time) make me feel less than adequate. Don’t be fooled, I do love Christmas, but I guess as I get older and see that things aren’t perfect (i.e. my family, etc.), it gets me thinking. I think when I was a child I believed that everyone was happy largely due to the fact that I wasn’t exposed to more adult themes such as depression, drug use, etc. that existed in my family. I only found out about these things later in my life and now this knowledge makes reality, especially around the holidays, a bit harder to swallow.

After I developed anxiety and depression (again, it’s for the most part, controlled or even gone), my ability to focus on my own life and not compare it to others’ has been a bit of a struggle. Last Christmas was my first Christmas with those issues and it wasn’t pleasant as they were running rampant at that point. This Christmas is so much better, but I suppose that my anxiety gets the better of me nowadays and makes me question whether or not I’m “doing things right” or what others would think of my lifestyle. Sounds weird, right? YES because IT IS WEIRD. Granted, there are some things going on, including having a small family and a great-uncle who has Dementia, that can contribute to off feelings at this time. But there is a lot that I have to look forward to and enough people who I have to be grateful for. It’s just hard controlling these feelings sometimes, especially at a time where people are supposed to be living this idyllic holiday season with nothing but positivity abounding as per society and consumerism.

Amir A. Afkhami, a blogger for Psychology Today, explains this as the “Christmas Blues” (the namesake for his entry): http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/global-mental-health/201112/christmas-blues

His advice:

“It is important for individuals to acknowledge the difficulties during this period: seek professional help with severe Christmas depression when needed. However, staying active and not isolated, reducing alcohol consumption and being aware and mindful of difficult family dynamics can lessen holiday blues. Most importantly, remember that the advertising hype and picture perfect imagery is fictional; don’t let it define your experience!”

It’s great advice that I think resonates with many different people.

On a funnier note, the holidays also bring about bragging via Christmas letters. Now I’ve never been the victim of a Christmas letter, nor has my family (I guess we can be grateful for having friends who don’t send out such things). But I know of people who’ve sent them out and how pretentious these letters can be. Dr. Mark Sherman examines them in his hysterically funny blog entry: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/real-men-dont-write-blogs/201112/our-life-is-perfect-and-yours

This is probably the predecessor to the Facebook epidemic that we see year round now. Life would be so much easier for everybody if people would just stop bragging. Perhaps we can celebrate one another’s achievements and support those who’ve gone through rough times. Even just sharing real news, not just the good stuff, would help make things better for everyone in the sense that people would finally see that they’re not alone in their struggles whether they’re financial, family related, etc. Although, I’m not sure that I’d need to know everything that went wrong…

“On a sad note, we had to put Puddles to sleep. They say you don’t get attached to hamsters, but take my word for it, you do.”

I just had to laugh at that.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season – whatever holidays you do celebrate! I chose to share my feelings on how I view the holidays not to be sad or morbid (as for the most part, I’m really enjoying myself this year) but just to throw it out there just in case someone else feels the way that I do and needs to know that they’re not alone.

Perhaps my sharing can help.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2011 in Family

 

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I guess they didn’t like my response.

No word from the offering company. I’m not surprised, but I’m really just lost for words that they and other companies think that they can get away with murder (or bad benefit packages) nowadays just because of the state of the economy. If you only have 15 people to take care of and you’re worth $700 million dollars, don’t you think that you should pony up the money and pay insurance premiums in full? All of that money total still wouldn’t put a dent in your bottom line.

Cost-cutting will get you nowhere.

 
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Posted by on December 8, 2011 in Job Search

 

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Jealously and Labor Day!

Why do people insist on posting status updates on Facebook (I’ve been good by not reading the newsfeed (almost 2 months already) this week minus the weekend/hurricane boredom debacle where I searched my friends list, which is equally bad) that are aimed at making people jealous? If you have a good answer, please let me know. Besides, in this culture and economy of ours now (more than ever) is a good time to try to help out your fellow sister or brother and not make them feel like crap.

Speaking of the economy, the jobs report came out today and there was no growth in the month of August. Bah. Hey Washington, get your shit together! (Please pardon my french, I couldn’t find a better way to say that)

For anybody who’s out of work and having a hard time in this economy – on this Labor Day weekend, I hope things start to look up for you. As for me, I’m just grateful to be employed and should probably stop complaining about my job.

Have a great, long weekend – I’ll be down the shore (NJ term) with my family, Jersey style! I’ll be back on Sept. 6th

 
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Posted by on September 2, 2011 in Facebook Rants

 

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