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Tag Archives: Savoring Life

Distracting myself from life.

I’m assuming that normal people enjoy free time and relaxation. At one point, I enjoyed these things. However, in recent years I’ve been filling up my schedule with tons of activities outside of work. In any given day I can have up to three separate appointments/games/visits with friends/etc. to be at after work. It’s pretty ridiculous and I’m almost always exhausted. All week, every week.

I never give myself a break and there’s a reason why; I rather be busy than really sit down and think about the direction that I’d like to head in my life. My boyfriend, my mom, and other people have pointed this out to me. They’re all right.

I need to give myself more relaxation time, more time to read, and perhaps sit with myself and my thoughts.

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Posted by on March 19, 2012 in Changing My Situation

 

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Planning my future with help from the past.

In my previous posts, the theme has been my professional life and my confusion in finding what I’d like to be doing with my life.

A had a bit of an ‘a-ha!’ moment this morning as I was getting ready for work. I was thinking about a dream that I had last night. In the dream, I was in my old freshman dorm building at college, sitting at a table with a bunch of familiar girls; some I actually were friends with in college, others I just saw around campus. We were talking about how our lives have been post-college and it seemed as though everyone was happy and prospering whereas I was prospering in a sense, but certainly not happy.

Back to reality – I was in the kitchen this morning eating breakfast thinking about my college experience and how I messed it up (Whole story is in post, Feeling Strangely Fine). I also thought about how I pursued my MBA as well. I realized that there’s a key point in both situations (and most situations since I’ve graduated from high school) – I have never given big decisions their due time and thought. It’s simple, somewhat obvious, and all too hard to swallow. How could I have gone through life for the past 10 years and not really think about what it is that I want?

With that said, I realized that I have a golden opportunity right here, right now. I am in a job that I know I’m not happy with, BUT it pays the bills (well, I might add) and I’m already self-committed (no contract, etc) to stay until at least September for my boss’ maternity leave. This gives me the perfect opportunity to really think about what I’d like to do with my life. I have six months at the very least to figure it out or at least find a few options that I would like. I have to stop procrastinating, slow down, and think.

There’s no good reason why I need to immediately leave my job. Why? So that I can go out, find a similar job or stay in this field and eventually become equally miserable as I am professionally now? Nah. I’ve decided today that those days are over. I’m going to continue where I am for now, collect my paycheck but at the same time, start myself out on the right path. I’m going to learn from my mistakes; they don’t define who I am. Today the real work begins. There’s going to have to be a lot of internal dialogue and research, but I have faith that this work will payoff in the future.

This realization has helped to give me so much more hope; the most hope that I’ve had in a while, in at least 2 years. Hope that I can transform my life into whatI’d like it to look like, not one formed by the thoughts and opinions of the ones around me. Not one formed on hasty decision-making.

 
 

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Stuck at a crossroads.

I feel as though I’ve been stuck in the mud; spinning my wheels, trying to get out of a ditch with no luck. I hate complaining about it because I think back to when I was so depressed that I didn’t see the point in living this life anymore.

I’m not depressed now, I know that, but I feel somewhat indifferent, especially in the past few days and I’m not sure what’s worse. It seems as though I’m just going through the motions with no specific goal or purpose. Sure I have things that I’m working towards such as changing my body and the way that I take care of it, thinking of possibly getting my personal training certificate, and so on.

But on the other side of that, I’m not thrilled with my everyday life, especially my professional life. I used to be proud and happy to be working in my industry (and I’ve been in the investments industry for about six years now), but things have changed and I’ve seen the darker side of it – through the way the economy has blown up in the past few years in addition to things that have happened during my tenure at my current job (which I’ve had for four years already). I’ve never been this unhappy with it.

I wonder if it’s really my circumstances or my attitude. I’m really leaning toward this being an attitude problem. I’ve been in plenty of situations in my twnety six years of exsistence on this planet where they weren’t pretty, but I was able to put it all aside and enjoy life. I just haven’t been able to do this since 2010. As of right now, I have a bad attitude and that’s pretty clear. Certain members of my family and a few friends have taken notice of it and that kills me, because that’s not me. I’m usually pretty easy going, happy but it’s been hard to get to that point again. I don’t want to push people away because I’m so negative. I need to make a change.

I have to do a total attitude overhaul. My problem right now is that I’m going through a transitional point in my life. I’m thinking that I’ll probably move out of my parents house next year, my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years already (but there’s no timetable for marriage), and I have no idea as to what I want to do with my life. For whatever reason these and other potential events/ideas have been driving me up a wall. I feel as though I haven’t done enough and that I’m not where I should be professionally, socially, etc. It’s a strange feeling, I’ve never felt such pressure before in my life.

But instead of dealing with my feelings and just being happy for what I have and all that I’ve accomplished, I don’t take good care of myself, plus I harbor negativity and it sometimes comes out when I’m dealing with others at home, work, or in a social setting. I have a loving family and boyfriend, I have a handful of loyal, good friends, I have my MBA, and I have a good paying, stable job (not interested in the job function though). Yet it seems as though for now, it’s not enough and I’m not sure why. I sound like a spoiled brat and honestly, I feel as though that’s how I’ve been acting recently and I’m thoroughly disappointed with myself.

All I’ve been saying is that “I’m going to change, I’m going to change”, but I haven’t. I’m still wakling around with this chip on my shoulder at work, I’m complaining constantly to my family and friends, and I’m just not at peace. It’s a rough position to be in and at the end of the day, it’s 100% my fault.

So where do I go from here? For one thing, I feel like I have to be honest going forward. Perhaps that’s the first step. Limiting my time of Facebook was a good starting point for that; I had to admit to myself that as much as I “didn’t care” about what I was reading, I actually did care… a lot, too much even. With that said, I actually went on the website more than once this weekend. I did a lot of cleaning up on there, I unsubscribed to most of my friends’ posts, I subscribed to some great female fitness professionals to catch some of their articles and I even went a step further. I’m not sure if I’m going to delete the account or not, but for now, I’m just glad that it’s less toxic for me now. One interesting point that came from Friday’s “cleanse” is that I unfriended someone who’ve I’ve been relatively close to in recent years. I’ve had this friend, who hasn’t really treated me like a good friend would. She’s been dating this guy and has completely ignored me unless he’s not around. She’s been pissing me off for some time, yet I’ve been too afraid to cut her out of my life because I’m just generally afraid to lose friends. On Friday though, I decided to cut her, electronically speaking. Granted, that’s not enough and eventually I’ll have to say something to her in real life, but for me that was huge. I “unfriended” her because I couldn’t stand to read her posts that bragged about her awesome life that she so happily kept me out of for no reason. I had have enough and finally did what I should’ve done a long time ago.

There are a few things that need to be changed in my life right now. First and foremost I need to be honest about how I’ve been living. I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking great care of myself. It’s been nothing insanely bad, as in I don’t smoke or do drugs. I’m not much of a drinker either. But in terms of diet and exercise, I’m doing better, but I tend to make a lot of excuses for myself when my consistency comes into question. In addition, I don’t take good care of my appearance. I have to do my skin care regiment every day, not once every few days. I need to wash and take care of my hair more, even though it’s a pain because it’s so thick and frizzy. I need to portray a better appearance every day and take care of myself. Perhaps put on a little bit of makeup for work. Wear some more jewelry. Make sure that my clothes are ironed and not all wrinkled. I think me letting go of my appearance reflects a bigger problem and that’s my attitude and indifference towards life right now.

Another thing that needs to be addressed in my life is the “relationship garbage”. What I mean by that is all of the gossiping and poor treatment given to me and given by me. I’m not a saint. I’ve said and done some not-so-nice things and I know this. I need to change the way that I treat other people; instead of talking behind someone’s back, I need to talk and address my concerns directly to them. I also need to stop critizing and judging others’ actions and beliefs. People are going to do what they want to do and I am no one to judge.

In terms of the treatment that I receive, I need to stop lying to myself and let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart. I tend to keep people around because for whatever reason my brain associates “a healthy social life” with a larger quantity of friends rather than having quality friends. This is wrong and I know it but my thinking has clearly been so off that I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised that I’ve kept people in my life who only use me for favors, but when I need them they’re nowhere to be found. This needs to stop and I need to tell these people exactly how I feel instead of ignoring the problem and letting it fester in my head.

As you can see, I’m at a point in my life where things need to change. I can’t let this go on any longer. I can’t keep making excuses for not changing my every day life, not changing my thoughts, for not even trying. It’s been too long and I am tired of feeling so indifferent and negative, depending on the day.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is truly a new day and I’m not just bullshitting.

 
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Posted by on February 12, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Communication, Life's Goals

 

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The lessening of Facebook withdrawal symptoms.

Sad to say, but I have had some withdrawal from Facebook this week. I haven’t looked at the website since last Friday with the exception of sending a message to a friend of mine and my boyfriend’s who is currently serving in the U.S. Army overseas in Afghanistan. But I haven’t seen others’ photos, status’, nothing for almost a week and needless to say it’s been an overall good experience. However, I still think about what I may be missing, but those thoughts have decreased throughout the week, which is a plus.

When I start to wonder about what I’m “missing out on”, I bring myself back to Earth and realize how much more time that I have to LIVE MY LIFE. My REAL life. You don’t realize how much time you waste on social media until you cut it out of your routine.

With this newfound free time, I’ve been visiting and reading so many wonderful blogs that I’ve found or who’ve found me on WordPress. I’ve been able to devote much more time to this blog and my fitness blog, 6 in Six. I’ve been catching up on the news and communicating more with my friends and family via traditional means (the phone, face to face, etc.).

I’ve been devoting more time to thinking about my life; i.e. what are my passions, what would I like to explore and possibly pursue both personally and professionally, etc. Granted, self-exploration hasn’t been a pleasant experience for me as it’s made me frustrated and downright depressed in the past few days, but it’s productive. It’s better than staring at my computer screen reading Facebook statuses about people who “love their lives and their jobs” or how “everything is perfect”. Because then I’m just sitting there, not being productive and probably more envious/jealous/depressed/angry than I am today. Let’s be honest, if you have to say it out loud, it’s possible that it’s not exactly true. I believe that there are people on Facebook who like to play the impression management game; they show everyone their wonderful lives, but in reality, things aren’t what they seem. Regardless of the truth, the impression or image that they reflect affects the viewer (in this case me). Even if I know something is not true, sometimes I have a hard time separating the truth from the lies, I believe what I see, and then I get anxious or depressed about how my own life doesn’t even compare. Then again, there are genuinely happy people on there, people who are like the way I used to be. Trust me, I’m happy for people who are fulfilled and pleased with their lives – more power to them. I aspire to be there myself one day, but if I ever get there again, I will NEVER brag about it, especially on a social media website. I was fully appreciative of my happiness when I had it; it was sacred to me because it made me feel genuinely good. I haven’t felt genuinely good for a long period of time in almost 2 years. Granted, things have gotten a lot better for me – I have little spurts of happiness here and there, so at least I’m grateful for that. But I still have a lot of work to do; I need to get out of “going through the motions” and really try to live a meaningful, fulfilling life.

Ever since I developed anxiety and depression in early 2010, I’ve valued happiness so much more, which is what keeps me fighting to find it again. When I was happy, I never took it for granted because I knew (and still know) others who have suffered from anxiety and depression. I never understood these conditions, I always thought that they should be easy to pull out of, but the reality of the situation is that they’re not. They require effort and lots of it.

I believe that by cutting out Facebook, I’m just putting more effort into improving my life. I’ve come this far (6 days) without the site at all. I’m seriously wondering if I should even go on it once per week anymore as my plans to not look at the Newsfeed or take a few days off haven’t worked out well. I’m over the general anxiety phase that I had on Saturday and Sunday where I wanted to look at the site so badly and didn’t know what to do with myself.

Why would I want to relive that start all over?

Maybe I’ll see how long I can holdout for and if I’m feeling brave enough and ready, perhaps I’ll finally delete my account.

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Facebook Rants

 

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I need a change of pace.

I sat at my desk at work today and was bored. I am just plain bored there. I’ve been getting better at telling myself that I’m only staying there until after my boss’ baby is born, then I’m restarting my job hunt. Some days just get hard to sit through though, especially since my job is rarely intellectually stimulating and I get little to no respect.

In the meantime, I’ve really been trying to change things up in my life – I’m training with a personal trainer three times per week, I play volleyball once per week, and I’m a member of a women’s volunteer group that meets a few times per month. So far, doing all of this has certainly helped, but I’m still not fully happy. Before my anxiety and depression blew up almost two years ago (wow, time flies), I was always happy regardless of my situation. I was courageous and had lots of faith in myself and the world at large. I’ve been a lot better, my depression is gone and my anxiety is phenomenally better, but I still have to fight to relax and just be happy and enjoy.

I feel as though my job is the one thing that’s really holding me back at this point. I want more flexibility and I want meaningful work. The day-to-day boredom is mind numbing and I want to be excited to go to work in the morning. In theory, I’d really like to start my own business, but for now, at 26, I’m just focusing on having steady employment within my field. However, for now, I’ve made the decision to stay put and do the right thing for karma’s sake. I also needed a break from the job hunt – looking for a job in investments is difficult in this economy.

In a selfish way, I hope down the line that my patience pays off and I am rewarded for helping my boss out.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Changing My Situation, Life's Goals

 

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The pros and cons of Facebook.

It’s been a while since I’ve ranted on the namesake of this blog, Facebook.

Before the internet, life was a lot more simple. Even though I’m 26 years old, I didn’t grow up with the internet – I’m a part of the last generation that was raised without a computer and had to use the phone and actually call people with it. I never knew what everyone was doing all of the time, I just heard what I heard and focused on my life. However, with the inception and subsequent global domination of Facebook in recent years, life has changed dramatically for me and I’d venture to guess most people as well.

Now I know what everyone is doing ALL OF THE TIME. It’s ridiculous; living these virtual lives instead of the physical ones that we have. I’m tired of it, it’s not fulfilling and it really brings out the bad in some people. I get really disheartened when I see my friends (not acquaintances, but people I actually speak to and see) engage in some of these behaviors, particularly posting items in order to brag or make other people jealous. I have to admit that sometimes I see things on Facebook and I get angry. When I was going through depression and anxiety, it really exacerbated my feelings and I had to stop looking for a while until I was able to control my emotions again.

With that said, I’ve really been contemplating deleting my Facebook account this week. Even though I don’t get as upset when I read the news feed (I started reading it a little bit again to satisfy my curiosity) anymore, I really can’t stand some of the things that I see. However, Facebook has its advantages. For example, just today one of my boyfriend’s friends, who is being deployed to Afghanistan soon, sent me his mailing address to pass long to my boyfriend (he rarely looks at Facebook and has better will power than me). It’s messages like that which make me keep my account active. I also am able to keep up with my cousins in Canada, my friends that moved to the West Coast (California, Colorado, Texas etc.) and other people who I don’t get to see very often. In addition, it helps me connect to special interest groups that I’m interested in and interact with people from those groups.

As of now, as I weigh the pros and cons, I’m still on the fence, so I’ll remain active.

nonetheless, in an effort to make myself feel better about my account, I deleted close to 100 people off of my friends list (I’m down to about 450 friends) – basically people who I never talk to plus anyone who I grew up with but can’t stand their posts. I still have way too many people on my friends list who probably shouldn’t be there, but I suppose I will clean it up in steps. Eventually I would like to make a real account and only be connected to people who I want to keep in touch with. But my curiosity about some of my virtual friends seems to be holding me back from unfriending them at the moment. I’m hoping that in time I can get over that.

I still waste way too much time on social media, even though I’ve cut back significantly.

Did you ever have to cut down or ween yourself off of a social media site? Any suggestions that you may have to make this process easier? Or better yet, did anyone ever stop cold turkey and feel much better about it?

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2011 in Facebook Rants

 

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A new light.

I had my review at work yesterday and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I received a 17% increase in salary for 2012, I’m getting a great bonus the first week of January, and I am also getting a small “discretionary” bonus next friday for Christmas shopping. I was shocked to say the least, but very happy that my employer is really coming through for me, especially in this economy. I finally feel valued by the company and that’s huge considering how I’ve been feeling the past few years here. I’m very grateful for this change in events, I really couldn’t ask for more.

Even though I had my problems (which have improved tremendously) this year with my mental health, this year has turned out to be a great year for me with my Nonna paying my debt, graduating with my MBA, getting some interviews and an offer and now all of this. 2010 (when my anxiety and depression started) was the worst year of my life. I felt as though I was dead; as if I had lost a year of my life. I was numb, scared and just plain sad. Here I am a year later and now I have hope for my future. I know that I still have mild anxiety and self-confidence issues to overcome, but I feel like I can face them head on now; like I have a chance to beat them.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2011 in Changing My Situation

 

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