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Tag Archives: Therapy

Hurting someone I love.

Apparently I’m growing up. I’m coming to grips with the fact that my parents and family members are the “be all, end all”. All of a sudden. Now. At 26… shouldn’t this have happened years ago? I went away to college and I was fine. I was independent and did what I wanted to regardless of what anyone thought of it. When I moved back home after school, I was still ‘Ms. Independent’ until 2010 when I had my hormonal imbalance. I’ve since recovered, almost fully mentally and 100% physically. Mentally I still have minor issues, almost like anticipatory issues because I’m kind of scarred from months of having random panic attacks and severe depression. I’m currently on defensive trying to prevent any and all awkward or adverse situations.

The problem now is that I’m having a hard time with trying to please everyone in my life, especially my family. I don’t even know what their preferences/standards are but I’ve had this bad habit as of late to over think and assume these standards and then impose them on the one person who I love and spend a lot of time with; my boyfriend. Together he and I have been spending more time with my cousins. All seems to be going well, then we get home and I proceed to nitpick his “performance” if you will. It’s a terrible thing to do, but in my head it seems as though I have to make sure that my family likes him (we’ve been dating for over four years mind you) and he likes them. My ill-fated efforts always result in a huge fight and this has happened after every meeting with my cousins.

This people pleasing problem stems from when we first started dating and my parents critically judged my boyfriend right off the bat. That first year of dating I was so confident in myself and my decisions that I wasn’t phased by their opinions. Now things are different; my parents have verbalized how they think my boyfriend is a real man and how he is a good guy. Yet, that doesn’t seem to get absorbed in my brain and I get neurotic whenever we all get together hoping to prevent whatever imaginary fallout I see coming in my head.

After another similar incident this past weekend, my boyfriend and I spoke about my actions. I apologized because I know that what I’m doing is wrong. A lot of it has to do with deep seeded issues stemming from not only the beginning of our relationship but apparently my childhood as well.

This is my journal for my upcoming therapy session this week… I think I need to start having more sessions.

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Posted by on April 10, 2012 in Communication, Family

 

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Thoughts a few days post-Facebook purge.

In all honesty (I’m kind of ashamed to admit some of these points), I had a variety of emotions after I had basically chopped my Facebook friend list down significantly to 207 friends. A part of me felt strong and empowered that I was finally able to take, for lack of a better term, “drastic action” (overdramatic) after so much internal conflict (over a social media website, who knew?). On the other hand, I got a little anxiety thinking about how much I was going to miss and questioning whether or not I have offended anyone by my actions. Sounds a bit off, right? I think it does. Why would I get this upset over virtual reality?

However, as I’m sitting here typing this entry today, I’ve been thinking that all of these emotions are the result of deeply seeded personality traits/attitudes/issues that I have in physical reality. Even though I didn’t speak to most of the people who I unfriended, I had a hard time cutting them out mainly due to my curiosity over how other people are living their lives, which in itself is a huge problem. My comparing my life to others has certainly contributed to my anxiety and Facebook really fed into those comparisons. It gets exhausting getting anxious and/or depressed because you saw a girl that you went to high school with get engaged, married, buy a huge house, have a baby and become a stay at home mom. Or when you see pictures of groups of people travelling or having a party, having a seemingly exciting and adventurous social life and you start questioning your own life and whether or not you’re “living it up” as they say. Clearly I’ve had these thoughts, therefore bringing about this Facebook cleanup for my own sanity.

Another thing that I thought about was whether or not I would offend someone by unfriending them. In the real world, I have an unhealthy obsession with being friends with everyone and being a people pleaser because I’m afraid to lose friends. There I said it – I sometimes stay with certain friends and make attempts to reach out even when it’s not reciprocated or I’m being treated badly. I don’t know why, but I feel like I can’t fully depend on myself yet (I used to before I developed anxiety), so I chose to keep anyone and everyone in my life even though I know that there are friends I should probably dump. That’s a confidence issue that I’ve been working on in therapy and will continue to work on as time goes on. Not that I was personally hurt when all 500 “friends” of mine didn’t write “Happy birthday” on my “wall”, but when a handful of people you’ve known for years miss or ignore your birthday on such an easy platform (i.e. login, write happy birthday, logout) and don’t even follow-up in any other medium (phone, text, e-mail, etc), that’s when I get offended. I tend to take things personally and that is always something that would make me feel down, yet I never call out people on their actions. I stay quiet and wait for things to blow over in my head. By deleting people off my friends list, I feel as though I’ve made a concerted effort to push myself to do what’s best for me regardless of what other people may think.

I need to stop caring about what other people may think; of me, my life, etc. That’s not to say that I need to act like a bitch as that’s certainly not my intention, but I need to speak up more and live my life for me. On the other hand, I read way too into things, take things personally, and in reality, few people actually care about what I’m doing. No one is watching me as we all have our own lives and things to worry about.

And somehow I seem to forget that sometimes.

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2012 in Communication, Facebook Rants

 

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A note on therapy.

I had my therapy appointment tonight. I see a psychologist every 3 to 4 weeks and have been seeing him over a year now. He mentioned how I’ve progressed tremendously over the past year and I was incredibly pleased to hear that. My anxiety has tapered off so much, it’s quite noticeable, and I haven’t been depressed in a few months now. The only thing that I’d like to work on is not taking my Xanex with me EVERYWHERE for fear that I’m going to have a panic attack. But other than that, I’ve progressed nicely.

So here is my thought – why are people so opposed to therapy? Why such a stigma surrounding something that will help you? I’ve spoken with many of my friends over the past year or so as I’ve fallen into and gotten out of my anxiety and depression ridden rut. Apparently I’m not the only person among the people who I know who’s been affected by these conditions for one reason or another, mine just happened to be a chemical issue (Thanks Bayer). However, whenever I bring up the topic of therapy to these individuals who are mainly my friends and some even family, they cringe; it’s almost as if they are trying to be supportive without saying how they really feel, i.e. “oh, so you really did go off the deep end”. I never went off the deep end. The deep end would be something serious and negative, a la suicide, not therapy. Therapy has done nothing but provided me an outlet that I cannot find anywhere else.

It seems as though a lot of people who I speak to are all for therapy for other people like myself, but not for themselves personally and I find that troubling. But, I’ve taken, or at least I’ve tried to take, a hands-off approach in this matter, as I understand people deal with things differently. With all the pressures of today’s society and all of the life events happening in my friends’ lives (marriages, babies, job changes/career decisions), it seems like they need someone to talk to.

Don’t knock it ’til you try it…

On another note, I e-mailed the Bergen County Junior League to inquire about joining and becoming a volunteer. In addition, I found a panic attack/anxiety support group close by; I’m going to call the director sometime this week and see if I can share my story to the group, perhaps get some insight from others and help someone out at the same time. After my ordeal, I feel a very strong urge to “pay-it-forward” and I’m going to make sure that I take time out to do just that. I’m putting my job search on the back burner for now. The recruiters that I’m working with know exactly what I want, so I’ll leave it to them to find good interviews for me. In the meantime, I’ll spend my time doing more fulfilling things than trekking into the city for worthless meetings with them.

I’ve also started eating better this week, plus I went to the gym tonight before therapy. I still haven’t cleared my schedule though or taken care of my eyebrows, which look overgrown!! But baby steps I guess…

P.S. 3 weeks off the facebook newsfeed! I really thought I’d miss it, but I really don’t. It’s awesome being disconnected; not having to read posts from people who love to show-off.

 

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