Apparently I’m growing up. I’m coming to grips with the fact that my parents and family members are the “be all, end all”. All of a sudden. Now. At 26… shouldn’t this have happened years ago? I went away to college and I was fine. I was independent and did what I wanted to regardless of what anyone thought of it. When I moved back home after school, I was still ‘Ms. Independent’ until 2010 when I had my hormonal imbalance. I’ve since recovered, almost fully mentally and 100% physically. Mentally I still have minor issues, almost like anticipatory issues because I’m kind of scarred from months of having random panic attacks and severe depression. I’m currently on defensive trying to prevent any and all awkward or adverse situations.
The problem now is that I’m having a hard time with trying to please everyone in my life, especially my family. I don’t even know what their preferences/standards are but I’ve had this bad habit as of late to over think and assume these standards and then impose them on the one person who I love and spend a lot of time with; my boyfriend. Together he and I have been spending more time with my cousins. All seems to be going well, then we get home and I proceed to nitpick his “performance” if you will. It’s a terrible thing to do, but in my head it seems as though I have to make sure that my family likes him (we’ve been dating for over four years mind you) and he likes them. My ill-fated efforts always result in a huge fight and this has happened after every meeting with my cousins.
This people pleasing problem stems from when we first started dating and my parents critically judged my boyfriend right off the bat. That first year of dating I was so confident in myself and my decisions that I wasn’t phased by their opinions. Now things are different; my parents have verbalized how they think my boyfriend is a real man and how he is a good guy. Yet, that doesn’t seem to get absorbed in my brain and I get neurotic whenever we all get together hoping to prevent whatever imaginary fallout I see coming in my head.
After another similar incident this past weekend, my boyfriend and I spoke about my actions. I apologized because I know that what I’m doing is wrong. A lot of it has to do with deep seeded issues stemming from not only the beginning of our relationship but apparently my childhood as well.
This is my journal for my upcoming therapy session this week… I think I need to start having more sessions.